I hate when my soul starts doubting about things I took for granted.

Saturday night I went to the movies with Diogo and Rudney. We watched "Windtalkers", directed by John Woo and with Nicolas Cage. And it was such a bad movie. Long and boring. Bad script, bad direction and bad acting. After the torture we went to a snack bar because they wanted to eat. Rudney asked me how things were going and I said things were slow. Then Rudney started telling me things and that made me think.

We know we love each other but that's it. We don't have plans. Well, we do have plans but they always get delayed. Rudney asked me why he doesn't come to Brasil and I said he can't come. Not soon. He has some bills to be paid in the US and coming to Brasil will not help him. Then he asked me why I don't go to the US and, again, I said I can't. And it's not because I have bills but because I would not have money to survive there. I need a job. The one I have here can't apay for my staying there.

I told him I've thought of going and getting small jobs and such but don't know how it would help. Actually I think it would make things worse. I want him to get his life going and I know if I go there, in this situation, it would be a burn for him. He needs time to get his things going. He needs time to figure what he wants. I want him to figure things out because I'm ashamed to tell that but I'm afraid of starting a new life with him and then suddenly need to move because of a work he didn't like or because anything else. It's not that I want stability.. Well, I do want it but not in the meaning he once mentioned. I just want to feel things flowing. I just want to be sure we can plan because five years from now I want to be secure. Secure not in the meaning of having tons of money and a boring straight life. But secure in the meaning we can count on each other and discuss problems together and take decisions together because both of us have a job we like and do things we like.

I know I shouldn't fear such a thing as I know he is a wonderful boy and I love him. It's just sometimes I don't feel things flowing. Actually I feel things stuck in the middle of nowhere. Maybe all that started because I really think he's not coming over for holidays. I know he has never promised me that. I had promised to spend holidays with his mom and him. But sometimes it seems the effort is only on my side. Again, I know it's not the truth. But that's how I see things sometimes and it really hurts me. It hurts me because I know it's not the truth but I keep feeling that.

It's so damn hot here...

Yesterday Jason and I had a fight. We can't blame anyone else but us and me specially. I guess sometimes I throw on him all my fucked up expectations. I want things to be as perfect as they can be and when they are not the way I wanted them I freak out. Yesterday was a good example of that. Jason told me he had to go to capoeira because he was the one who was going to make a pie for the group. He was supposed to leave at seven but, as often, he didn't. And then I started bitching him for being late and all that stuff.

It's not only my fault though. I know I'm the one who started it and how made it seems like a big deal. But he's a bit responsible too. I mean, he's always late for things. It seems he doesn't have any commitment to anything. I know this is lame. I know him better and he's much better than that. But that's the impression he causes on people and I don't like seeing the man I love being treated as someone people cannot trust.

Yes, he is clumsy and yes, he's goofy but I love him. I know even I want to change him sometimes but that's bullshit because the second I thought about it again I realize that's not what I wanted because he's so wonderful and amazing the exactly way he is.

He may be through rough times but who isn't? He doesn't have a job. Good deal! I have and I hate some of the people who work with me and also the enviroment there. Which is worse? I don't know. At least he keeps his principles. The only thing that freaks me out is that kind of uncertainty of our relationship. It's not an uncertainty about love because we do know we love each other more than anything else. It's the uncertainty of when we are definitly going to share things. And I mean really share. It's funny as I always tried to avoid those "living-together" thoughts. And now those thoughts are all I think of and desire.

That's because I love him and I guess when we love someone all we want is to be with the person and grow every time more with him. Maybe it's not for everybody but it works for me ;)

I've just arrived from Los Hermanos concert. It was so damn good. I got really impressed by the band. They are very good and very cool. Rudney went with me and we met some people there. It was nice.

The songs are pretty good. Despite their first single. It was a short show. An hour or so but a really nice one. The people who were there were really fans.

Needed to write about the show right now for Abonico but he sent me an e-mail saying that I don't need to ;) Good as my brain can't think straight right now.

I've been feeling bad. I think nothing is going to be the way I thought. So many dreams lost in the middle of nowhere. How can I be optimistic about something it's hard to believe? How can I let things go as smoothly as they get if sometimes I think they don't go anywhere, they just stand still?

It's not anybody's fault but mine. I'm responsible for making me feel miserable.. Why do I insist on dreaming about the impossible?

Things are a little bit better today. I'm still fat and ugly but now I'm calmer than yesterday. Got used to the idea and decided I have to fight against it. Still don't know how and what I'm going to do. Something is going to change... Change for better, hopefully...