Something in the way...

2002-10-28T14:30:00.000-03:00

I hate when my soul starts doubting about things I took for granted.

Saturday night I went to the movies with Diogo and Rudney. We watched "Windtalkers", directed by John Woo and with Nicolas Cage. And it was such a bad movie. Long and boring. Bad script, bad direction and bad acting. After the torture we went to a snack bar because they wanted to eat. Rudney asked me how things were going and I said things were slow. Then Rudney started telling me things and that made me think.

We know we love each other but that's it. We don't have plans. Well, we do have plans but they always get delayed. Rudney asked me why he doesn't come to Brasil and I said he can't come. Not soon. He has some bills to be paid in the US and coming to Brasil will not help him. Then he asked me why I don't go to the US and, again, I said I can't. And it's not because I have bills but because I would not have money to survive there. I need a job. The one I have here can't apay for my staying there.

I told him I've thought of going and getting small jobs and such but don't know how it would help. Actually I think it would make things worse. I want him to get his life going and I know if I go there, in this situation, it would be a burn for him. He needs time to get his things going. He needs time to figure what he wants. I want him to figure things out because I'm ashamed to tell that but I'm afraid of starting a new life with him and then suddenly need to move because of a work he didn't like or because anything else. It's not that I want stability.. Well, I do want it but not in the meaning he once mentioned. I just want to feel things flowing. I just want to be sure we can plan because five years from now I want to be secure. Secure not in the meaning of having tons of money and a boring straight life. But secure in the meaning we can count on each other and discuss problems together and take decisions together because both of us have a job we like and do things we like.

I know I shouldn't fear such a thing as I know he is a wonderful boy and I love him. It's just sometimes I don't feel things flowing. Actually I feel things stuck in the middle of nowhere. Maybe all that started because I really think he's not coming over for holidays. I know he has never promised me that. I had promised to spend holidays with his mom and him. But sometimes it seems the effort is only on my side. Again, I know it's not the truth. But that's how I see things sometimes and it really hurts me. It hurts me because I know it's not the truth but I keep feeling that.

2002-10-11T22:13:00.000-03:00

It's so damn hot here...

Yesterday Jason and I had a fight. We can't blame anyone else but us and me specially. I guess sometimes I throw on him all my fucked up expectations. I want things to be as perfect as they can be and when they are not the way I wanted them I freak out. Yesterday was a good example of that. Jason told me he had to go to capoeira because he was the one who was going to make a pie for the group. He was supposed to leave at seven but, as often, he didn't. And then I started bitching him for being late and all that stuff.

It's not only my fault though. I know I'm the one who started it and how made it seems like a big deal. But he's a bit responsible too. I mean, he's always late for things. It seems he doesn't have any commitment to anything. I know this is lame. I know him better and he's much better than that. But that's the impression he causes on people and I don't like seeing the man I love being treated as someone people cannot trust.

Yes, he is clumsy and yes, he's goofy but I love him. I know even I want to change him sometimes but that's bullshit because the second I thought about it again I realize that's not what I wanted because he's so wonderful and amazing the exactly way he is.

He may be through rough times but who isn't? He doesn't have a job. Good deal! I have and I hate some of the people who work with me and also the enviroment there. Which is worse? I don't know. At least he keeps his principles. The only thing that freaks me out is that kind of uncertainty of our relationship. It's not an uncertainty about love because we do know we love each other more than anything else. It's the uncertainty of when we are definitly going to share things. And I mean really share. It's funny as I always tried to avoid those "living-together" thoughts. And now those thoughts are all I think of and desire.

That's because I love him and I guess when we love someone all we want is to be with the person and grow every time more with him. Maybe it's not for everybody but it works for me ;)

2002-10-09T02:48:00.000-03:00

I've just arrived from Los Hermanos concert. It was so damn good. I got really impressed by the band. They are very good and very cool. Rudney went with me and we met some people there. It was nice.

The songs are pretty good. Despite their first single. It was a short show. An hour or so but a really nice one. The people who were there were really fans.

Needed to write about the show right now for Abonico but he sent me an e-mail saying that I don't need to ;) Good as my brain can't think straight right now.

2002-10-07T17:55:00.000-03:00

I've been feeling bad. I think nothing is going to be the way I thought. So many dreams lost in the middle of nowhere. How can I be optimistic about something it's hard to believe? How can I let things go as smoothly as they get if sometimes I think they don't go anywhere, they just stand still?

It's not anybody's fault but mine. I'm responsible for making me feel miserable.. Why do I insist on dreaming about the impossible?

2002-10-03T14:04:00.000-03:00

Things are a little bit better today. I'm still fat and ugly but now I'm calmer than yesterday. Got used to the idea and decided I have to fight against it. Still don't know how and what I'm going to do. Something is going to change... Change for better, hopefully...

2002-10-03T00:40:00.000-03:00

I'm feeling lonely, ugly and fat. My period is to come and maybe that's one of the reasons I'm feeling this way. Today I tried on a thousand clothes and didn't like any of them because all of them made me feel ugly and fat. God! I'm really fat! And I even can't eat less to lose weight. I even don't have enough will power to try to change! That is so disgusting...

2002-10-01T17:31:00.000-03:00

"if I gave you my heart,
would you give yours to me.
if made a proper start
Would you take me seriously
if i wait for the right moment
would you say yes to me.
if all my friends desert me
would you be there for me
will you please be there for me"

(The Reindeer Section)

2002-10-01T13:54:00.000-03:00

I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm empty. Nothing touches me...

Jason is still at his mom's. I think I don't want to talk to him while he's there. I get disappointed and I disappoint him. That is not good neither for me nor for him.

And yesterday I had to be stupid and call him when I went to bed. Of course he was still doing stuff at the house and couldn't talk to me. I should know better. Well, now I know. He's not online now. He's probably doing stuff with his mom.

He's coming back to Seattle on Thursday and till there we are not going to talk. Guess it's better this way. It's not what I really wanted but that's how things are going. I think it's kind of sad knowing that each time he's with her we can't talk because she'll absorb all his time. She's his mother and I don't want any confusion. I just want peace.

2002-09-29T22:43:00.000-03:00

Another weekend has gone and I haven't done a thing I had programed myself to do.

Had to work at the paper this weekend and it actually wasn't bad. I'd rather work by myself there. Much better than listening to a bunch of assholes tell me how good they are every day...

Yesterday night went to "Korova". It was Carol's birthday party. It was nice. Though everybody seemed to smoke there and the smell of it wasn't a bit nice. Went with Gisele and we talked and had fun. The only thing I kind of didn't like was when two guys arrived at our table. They were Marco's friend (not my brother, I never go out with him). They seemed to be nice guys (Marco is a nice guy) and they were kind of cute. The problem is that one of them kept looking at me the whole time I was there. I never knew how to handle a situation like that. Just pretended I didn't notice. But it was kind of uncomfortable. But in a way it was nice. Nice to notice other people think I'm nice. Not nice as a friend. Nice as a woman.

Haven't talked to Jason yet. Don't know what he's doing or what's going on. He was supposed to fly back to Seattle today, I think, if he hasn't changed his flight schedule which I think he did. It's kind of late and Laurie goes to bed early. Maybe he's at Jeff's. We haven't talked much this weekend. He had lots of things to do with his mom and I went out with my friends...

Went to Carla and Ricardo's tonight. Eliana is not working at school anymore. She asked to leave. I was kind of surprised when I knew about it since I thought she was the one sabotaging me. Anyway, we talked about how people change and how pissed off I was on Friday. That meeting really sucked. I didn't need to be there. It was a waste of time. It's sad to notice how people change according to whom is in charge. And it's all happening at school. It's really disgusting.

2002-09-22T22:16:00.000-03:00

My weekend kind of sucked. Didn't do what I really wanted to. My parents demanded me to be with them so much. I even didn't go to the movies. And it was so damn cold!

Yesterday I went to the movies to watch "Cidade de Deus" with Rudney and Diogo but when we arrived there it was sold out! Then we decided to go to a restaurant to have dinner. Priscilla called and she joined us for supper.She was with her mom, her sister, two cousins and a friend. All women. It was kind of strange when they arrived. Sometimes I feel I'm not feminine as other girls are. I mean, I like the way I dress and I do think I'm feminine on my own way. It's like they wear tons of make up, high heels, mini skirts, tight clothes and lots of jewerly and I wear jeans, lace shirts, scarfs, sneakers, almost no make up and no jewerly (except my engagement ring and a pair of tinny diamond earrings). So it was kind of shocking when they arrived. No doubts I'd rather like the way I dress but sometimes it seems I'm so different from other girls.

Talked to Jason when I arrived last night and didn't like a bit the conversation we had. He's going to Maine tonight. Qing is getting her citizenship which, theorically, allows them to get the divorce. I know I should be happy about it but I'm not. First of all, I thought this trip was to end things and not for him to pretend he's her husband. I know it was a business thing but I don't like it a bit. I hate thinking about the possibility of him "being" her husband for legal purposes. I really hate it! Specially because I'm jealous (and no matter how many times he tells me they have never had a damn thing, I'm still jealous) and because it seems she's enjoyed it. And if there's someone I really don't like in this entire world, she is the one.

I don't like when she calls him and I don't like when he or his mom talk about her. They seem to make sure I get how good she is and how good the deal was and that she's a very successful businesswoman who's going to earn tons of dollars in America. Fuck her! And also her daughter who they think is the cleverest 7-year-old girl ever!

I know I shouldn't care about them and that shouldn't make me mad. But I really get annoyed and angry when I hear how good she is and how smart she is and that she's married to him! It really gets on my nerves.

My friend Benny says I'm different in real life. That here I'm often getting angry and tough. That I'm not like that when I'm talking to him. Maybe that's true. The only reason I can give him is that I feel like writing here when things don't go that smooth in my life. That's the reason I get usually angry here.

2002-09-20T00:51:00.000-03:00

I really need to get past the sensation I feel when I write. Every time I have sort of a big issue to write it freaks me out. I can't stop thinking I can't write or everything I write is bullshit. That is really lame. Anyway, I always face that whenever I start writing something.

I guess the main point is disappointing people really freaks me out. It scares the shit out of me just thinking somebody can criticize me or whatever.

2002-09-19T00:34:00.000-03:00

Damn! Why do I have to be so dumb sometimes? Why can't I write so easily? Why does it have to be so difficult?

I really need to write a crap load of texts to Abonico and what do I do? Nothing! I watch TV instead. But it was "High Fidelity"... I couldn't help it. I really wanted to come upstairs and start writing at 10 or so. Now it´s a half past midnight and I haven't written a line yet!

I'm talking to Jason and he told me good news. A guy from Olympia called him about a job vacancy. He has an interview with the guy tomorrow morning. Really hope he gets the job. It's going to be good for him and for us too ;)

Sometimes I get the feeling nothing I do without him around is good enough or satisfies me enough. Even watching a movie. I don't feel like going to the movie theater by myself even to watch a Woody Allen movie. Every day I say I'm going to watch it but it's almost the end of the week again and I haven't watched it yet. The same happens with the texts I have to write. Think that if I have him around writing would be so much better.

2002-09-18T01:10:00.000-03:00

I'm tired. I haven't done what I was supposed to do but I'm tired. The paper really stresses me. Also the lack of money is driving me nuts this month. Vacation is good. The only problem is when you come back. A whole month without any money, if you are an ordinary worker. That is bad.

I was supposed to write some texts to Abonico but I haven't done a damn thing. The only thing I did was to put my pictures in order and in an album so it's easier to people to see them. And actually the album rocks ;) It's a very nice one and there are subtitles in all the pictures! =)

This evening, when I was coming back home I saw an old friend. Well, not that old. He studied with me at University and we used to take the same bus to come back home. He's studying to be a lawyer now. It was nice to see him, even though we only realized we were in the same bus when I was leaving. He said he's going to call me. I really hope he does. It's been a while since the last time we talked.

2002-09-15T23:24:00.000-03:00

Fucking boring weekend!

I haven't done anything this weekend. Well, I did lots of things but if I had stayed at home it would be the same.

Saturday was my grandmother's birthday. Went to her house after the meeting at the paper. Man, what a stupid meeting it was. Two hours of superficial problems and shitty talk. Didn't have the energy to tell them what I really think the problem is. We don't have a good management there and we do not have a nice channel to talk. I don't know who is my real editor as I have to answer to everyone who comes by. That is sick. Anyway, nothing is going to change there. That's why I need to leave before it's too late.

Went to Abonico's today. He wanted to give me a bunch of DVDs and CDs so I can write about them for the website. He's a very nice guy and he's been a very nice friend too. Hope he finds a job real soon and invites me to work with him again. It would be so good. I'd leave that stupid job I have now forever!

Did I mention I hate when it's cold and raining at the same time?

2002-09-14T00:40:00.000-03:00

I'm full of my job! And I do hate the morning editor. He is such an asshole. He yelled at me this afternoon. What does he think he is? I really don't want to get upset with that because I don't want such a loser making me feel bad. But I do feel bad. I really wanted to cry when it happened. The usual women reaction. But I didn't. He can't make my world fall apart. I'm much better than he is and I know that.

It all started in the middle of the day out of nowhere. I was working all by myself today as Gisele is in Belo Horizonte at a Capoeira Conference and my real editor is taking some days off. As she is not working, Jonas changed his schedule to work in the afternoon. No problems at all. But today he asked me if I was going to change the page on the website and if I was (which he knew I was because we change it daily) I had to tell him what we have decided to put on the front page in advance because he needed them. I told him I was all by myself and that as soon as I finished I'd send him an e-mail with all the information he needed.

It took me a while to finish it as I had two interviews to edit and all the other usual things to do. Sent the e-mail almost in the end of my day there. He didn't seem to mind (as I had suspected before) but then I told him some of the calling lines for my page were out of date. Then suddenly he was the busiest guy on Earth. He asked me if I could change them. Again, told him the truth and said I could try but I didn't know how to do it exactly as I was on vacation when they changed all the layout of the website. He said he was going to do it but he made sure I got upset by telling me I had to have told him that before. Thought it would be nice on my part to learn how to do it and do it. When he heard that he got all nervous and out of his mind and shouted to me! "Don't touch anything! I'll do it!" That's what the asshole told me. Man, I got soo angry and soo pissed off. Want to tell him to fuck off and leave the room to never come back again. Instead, held my tears and stayed there. Didn't tell him a thing.

Tomorrow we have a meeting at the paper to discuss about the flaws we have in our department. And I'm soo much going to tell me how insatisfied I am there. I don't give a shit wheter they are going to enjoy it or not. Hopefully I'm leaving there soon. Hate needing this stupid job to survive!

2002-09-11T14:13:00.000-03:00

I miss him all the time... All I want is to be with him and forget everything else.

2002-09-07T19:24:00.000-03:00

My vacation is over now. Damn it! I didn't want to come back home. It was soo good being with him. I really want to be with him as soon as I can. And it has to be less than a year from now!!!

Arrived yesterday morning. It was cold and raining here. My luggage just arrived in the evening. Everybody seemed to enjoy their gifts. And that was nice. Didn't do a thing yesterday. Just stayed home. Aika was really missing me. She got soo happy when I arrived. That was very sweet.

Jason is in Seattle now. I talked to him yesterday night. Neal's girlfriend is there now and in a certain way I envy her because I wanted to be there too.

I had the most wonderful 30 days in my whole life. We are so good together and I can't wait to grow more and more with him. I really love him and can't wait to be sharing every little thing with him. We had some fights and some disagreements during the time I was there. And in a certain way they were good because they always showed how much we can grow together.

I'm going to Diogo's in a while. It's Rudney and his birthday party. It's going to be barbacue so I'm going to eat something soon ;) I think it's going to be a nice time with my friends after all I'm away for a month =)

I'm trying to talk to Jason but it seems he's not home now. Oh well, I'll do what I have to do and come to the computer once in a while... Really wanted to tell him how much I love him and miss him before I leave...

2002-08-31T13:22:00.000-03:00

After losing the flight in Seattle I'm in Portland, Maine now. It's been a week already. I'm at Laurie's house. We are having a good time and I'm having fun. Sometimes things get a little bit weird and I don't know how to act. Today is one of those days. She seems upset but I don't know what I can do to make things better. Jason and her left a couple of minutes ago. They went to the supermarket to photocopy some papers for the income tax forms.

Yesterday we had a great day. We went to Boston. Jason and Laurie have a friend who lives there and he was our tour guide. We walked around the whole day. It was nice. It seems the people in the city are always worried in making the city nice and clean and organized for the travelers. Jason says the people from the East are more conservative than the people from the West. I can't tell. Boston is a nice city and all I know is that I had a great time there.

We ended up the day having dinner at Chris' house. He lives in a nice big house some minutes away from downtown. He's a college teacher. He seems to be a very nice man. He has a big, fury and old dog (called Paulo) and a cat (called Amanda) at home. Guess everybody loves animals in this country. He's gay and I think the Turkish guy who lives there is his boyfriend. Talked to Jason about it last night as I was very curious to know but didn't know how to ask ;)

I'm coming back to Brasil on Thursday... My vacation is almost in the end.... Damn it!!!

2002-08-23T22:51:00.000-03:00

I'm finally back writing. I don't have a long time as I need to pack really soon to go to Portland, Maine. We're going to visit Jason's mom. We'll be there till September the 5th, when I unfortunatly come back to Brasil.

My time here has been wonderful. Although we don't have money (urgh!) we are having a truly couple life and that's very nice and good. We have done lots of nice little things and just being with each other has been amazing.

We went to San Francisco the second day I was here. It started a little bit confusing but it turned out to be a very nice trip after the first day. We were four people traveling in a compact with no air conditioning crossing the valey of death (a desert) at 4 pm! It was freaking hot! Also when we arrived there things didn't turn out to be what we were expecting. But everything ended up fine. San Francisco is a very nice city with very cool places. The only thing I didn't do there was to take a picture of the Golden Gate.. Oh well...

Back in Seattle, all we had was fun and a wonderful time together. Jason is so sweet and cute. We have been enjoying being with each other even more every time.

Last weekend we went to the Rainier Mountain. It's a couple of hours driving south from Seattle. It's a very beautiful place. We saw some water falls and I saw the snow! Yes, there's always snow at the top of the mountain ;)

The people who live at the house are very sweet too. Neal is a very nice and funny guy. He's also very caring and friendly. Jesse is nice and sweet. He always tries his best and he's very worried about keeping the house clean. He's the one who's always asking Jason to clean the porch, or the room or whatever he thinks that needs to be cleaned.

Sheena, the girl who's been living here, is a nice girl. It was kind of strange having her around for a while. But she's a very sweet girl. And everybody knows I have problems in dealing with girls.

Ops.. Time to leave now. Jason wants to go to Petco to have Sadhu clipped before we travel.

2002-08-08T17:49:00.000-03:00

I'm finally here. And I'm happy. Things are fine and I'm feeling much better now. Not tired, not worried, not sad. Just happy and that is amazing.

Don't have much to write, actually I do, but Jason is stading behind me and I have many other things to do so maybe I'll come back later.

Anyway, he is the only one who reads this and he's with me now.

2002-08-04T18:44:00.000-03:00

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. I've been busy these days. Lot's of things to be done at the paper and lots of things to be done at home as well. Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow at this time I'll be reaching the airport. Tomorrow starts a new time.

It's only vacations, I know and yet I haven't packed. Don't know what to take and how to take the few things I want to. It's been a while since the last time I talked to Jason and it wasn't a happily lovely conversation as well. He's moved and I have no clue what he's doing now and he doesn't know about me either. And it's sad and depressing. I know I'm the one who's pushed us into this awful enviroment but sometimes I just can't feel we can connect.

He tells me I always close up when I feel uncomfortable and he's right. He is also right in saying that I can express myself pretty much ok when I want to. But I have my reasons and I guess they're the best I can do. I don't want to talk about what's been going on. I want him to do what he needs to do and feel happy about that. I've been through this "sharing" moments so much in my life. I can't put up with them anymore. It's always the same. They are the ones who can't decide, who don't know what to do with their life and I'm the one who has to support them and say that everything is going to work out as far as we are together. It's not that I give a shit to what happens to him. It's not that at all. It's just the sensation of déjà vu. It feels like it's all happening again.

I do want to be part of his life and he's part of mine. Sometimes it just feels like it does not happen that way. I know as soon as we see each other at the airport all this is going to end but in the meantime it hurts. It hurts because there is the possibility of him not put up with my manners. It hurts because there's the possibility of losing him.

Tomorrow I travel but I'm only going to see him on Wednesday night. And that's a long time...

2002-07-30T17:37:00.000-03:00

Finally yesterday watched "About a Boy". What a cute movie. I really liked it. Hugh Grant is very cute there but he's also at a good performance. Guess Will is a bit the kind of a man I like. Cool and well dressed. Not a snobish playboy but someone who picks nice outfits and has a nice taste for music, fashion, food, books and whatever.

Also Marcus, the kid, reminded me a lot about Jason. I had the clear impression he was so much like Marcus when he was a child. Even phisically. That made me miss him even more and think about the time we are going to spend together next week. It's next week and it's coming!!!

Talked to Abonico yesterday and he will try to schedule some interviews for me when I'll be in Seattle. That would be good if it really happens. Also, yesterday bought Oasis newest CD. Listened to it for a couple of times and I liked what I've heard.

I'm lazy today and don't want to do much. Haven't written a damn thing at the paper. Well, some services but not an issue exactly. All I can think about is Jason and my vacation...

2002-07-28T14:10:00.000-03:00

So, yesterday went to the concert with Diogo. It was good. Even not enjoying labels, I guess I fit better in that "indie" shitty enviroment. The way people dress and behave (aside from smoking) is the way I am. No fancy girls, no playboys. Just people. Surely some of them were trying to fit into the style thing. But even though it was a nice enviroment.

The music was good. "Suíte Minimal" is very good. They just play, they don't sing. Which actually is a nice alternative for those stupid bands who insist on singing in a terrible English. "Thee Butchers Orchestra" is nice. They play harder songs and they also sing in a language it was impossible to be understood at Sociedade Portuguesa yesterday. They were also selling some nice tee shirts there.

It was a nice night. Also we met some old dudes there. Some people who have studied with us at the university and some other journalists. It was nice. Good people, good music and a good enviroment (aside from smoking).

**********

Also yesterday went to my aunt's seven-day thing. It was different. She followed the Seicho-No-Ie philosophy. I knew a bit of it, actually not about Seicho-No-Ie but about how japanese people see death. It's completly different from how christians see it. Dunno how my parents felt about that as they know and have experienced both of them and till some years ago considered the japanese philosophy much stronger in their lives.

**********

Also talked to Jason for a bit before leaving home. He really supports me but sometimes I don't know what kind of support I want. Anyway, don't want to talk about it now. I'll post something after. He knows I love him.

2002-07-27T14:49:00.000-03:00

Day is done at work, finally. Talked to Jason this morning and didn't feel good after talking to him. Actually I wasn't feeling good since the begining but oh, well. I'm not good these days.

I know he's been doing his best but I can't stop thinking about certain things. It's not that suddenly I started worrying about stuff I didn't before or noticing stuff I didn't notice before but it's just that these days I've been more alert on the failures than on the good things. And that's what makes me try to avoid him. I don't want to talk to him but at the same time I really want to feel he loves me and he'll be wiht me no matter how bad thoughts I may have.

I love him, that's all I know but sometimes it's hard to keep the good feelings about this love. Unfortunatly what can exemplify it is capoeira. He keeps telling people I hate it and I don't like to be with them when they're practicing or that I have other priorities. Yes, I do have other priorities in my life but it's not that I hate what he does. I really want him to do everything he enjoys. Mostly because I want to see him happy and also because I don't want him to blame me for things he lost. He just doesn't need to keep telling me I don't like them or that other people are aware I don't like them or what they do. That makes me feel I'm a bitch who doesn't know how to deal with things I'm not involved with. That's not the truth at all.

I do think they try to keep people really close to their activities by charging them all the time and putting lots of rules they have to comply with. Even though Jason has told me this morning mestre has said they have never had rules. They do. It's probably uncouncious. But it's a sport, something people practice for leisure. It's not a military operation or a team getting ready for the Olimpic games. It's insane the way they charge people to spend 3 hours 3 times a week plus weekends with them. I may not agree with that but I don't see any problems in Jason going there. Actually I do want him to go. I don't want him to complain after his lack of exercise or anything else.

Well, I guess what I want to be clear is that I have nothing against capoeira. I rather think it's interesting and the songs are nice. I just don't like their behavior. But again, who likes mine?

2002-07-27T01:09:00.000-03:00

I've been working a lot these days. Today was a very good example. Needed to be at the bank in the morning to withdraw my money from the school. Needed to be in line for over an hour and that really sucked. Arrived a little bit late at the paper and started working with no breaks till 9:30 pm or so. Wrote three issues for the weekend and also had the usual Friday's editing.

Even though we are having stressful days at work, I can't complain. I always wanted to get it better and we are finally getting to that. My only fear is that I'm going to be on vacation when the big changes are going to happen. I really hope there's still place, a good one, for me when I come back.

If everything goes right, when I come back, in September, I'll be in charge for the movie page in the website. That will be very nice. And I'll also be in charge for the entertainment site (like bars, pubs and dance clubs) in the city. And if things get even better I'll work with Abonico too. I mean, I already help him once in a while but I wish I could do more. He's been writing and editing a new indie pop site. It seems very nice and I have an issue published there too.

Also, yesterday talked to him and he told me about the possibility of working for some dudes in São Paulo. I liked the idea. I mean, living there doesn't seem good but what we would do is work here and go there once a month or so. That would be very nice. I really hope he can get things work.

On the other hand, things at school are not good at all. I'm very disappointed with them. They cheated on me. They talked behind my back. Tried to find some time this week to talk to Eliana but couldn't. Classes start tomorrow and they haven't called me. I know they don't want me back there. I just ask "why?". I don't know what I've done and if I've done something or if they are afraid of something they should tell me. This week Carla told me her new teacher is going to be Sandy. I knew they were up to something mean. And they really did it. I'm very upset with them. Really need to talk to Eliana as soon as possible.

Need to work tomorrow morning. Time to go to bed, I guess.

2002-07-25T17:52:00.000-03:00

I'm tired. Tired of everything, basically. I'm thinking about finishing this journal...

2002-07-23T15:48:00.000-03:00

Damn!! Why doesn't anybody write me any comment????

2002-07-23T01:11:00.000-03:00

I've just arrived home. My aunt has died today. We were not close to each other though. It was sad. Don't like seeing people suffering. It's very depressing...

Jason and I had an argument today. Well, that's not new as we are quite often having arguments. This time was very silly though. Don't want to talk about it now. Maybe tomorrow, or after tomorrow...

Wrote a bunch of e-mails today. Some were some answers I was late with. Let's wait and hope for answers...

It's late and my thoughts make no sense at this point of time...

2002-07-20T00:28:00.000-03:00

I've finished it! Now I just can pray... In a few hours from now I'll be speaking to a group of teachers about how to motivate kids in learning English. It's going to be six hours of me speaking and speaking. Really hope it doesn't get boring and that I can keep the subject up. I've never done such a thing before and I'm all scared. Sometimes I even think I'm not capable of that. Well, in a way I am and I'll do it. I'm smart and I know I can do it. Afterall, how many times have I taught for 5 or 6 hours straight. I can do it! I know I can!

WISH ME LUCK AND PRAY FOR ME!!!

I'm in a rush at the paper too as things happen all at the same time. This weekend we are having a Rock Festival in the city with some independent local bands. I was supposed to go tonight but because of my lecture I didn't. Anyway, I'm going there tomorrow and probably on Sunday too. Also on Sunday I really want to go to MMM (Mercado Mundo Mix) and talk a lot with the cutest boy ever.

Time to go to bed now. Tomorrow is the big day. Really wish it were Saturday already.. hehehe

2002-07-17T21:53:00.000-03:00

I'm feeling good today. I feel like I can do things and I can be good at the things I enjoy.

Went to another puppet show this afternoon but this time needed to write an assingment for the website. I liked it. It's much more journalistic. I mean, I went there, watched the show, came back to the paper to write about it and it was published an hour or so after. Very nice and it really motivated me. It kind of proved me I can do things and I can be good if I focus and concentrate. That's all I need: Focus and concentrate

Raquel called me this afternoon telling me that my sunglasses had arrived. She's a designer. She is working on a website for a sunglasses factory so she buys them very cheap. And they are very fashion and nice. Bought a green one. Anyway, she's started up her own business a couple of months ago. Went to her office this evening. It's really nice and cute. She has another two partners and they are getting nice jobs. After that we decided to go to Estação to drink a cup of cappuccino. Her father is in town too. He seems to be a very nice and clever guy. I had a very nice time with them.

She was also telling me about her relationship with Ewandro and it really made me jealous. Jealous because they are very similar to Jason and I. It's like we get along with each other very well and we trust each other more than any other person. She's very cool with stuff and so is Ewandro. And the same, or almost the same, happens to Jason and I. The only difference is that they're living together for a year or so. She's happy and they are starting getting nice stuff. She's been working on what she likes and also is Ewandro. They make a nice amount of money, they have a car and they're saving money to buy their own apartment. That's what I really would like to get going with Jason. And I really hope we can move things foward next year.

Actually I've proposed him to start looking for a place for us and job and studies during my stay there next month. We can look for these things together and dream about them together. I hope that makes things move faster. All I want is to be with him and more now than ever I can feel I can't be far from him for much longer. And the same rule applies to him. We really need each other close to support each other and motivate each other. It's much more difficult doing these things far away.

As I'm in the mood of creativity, I'll prepare my speech for Saturday. Wish me good luck =)

2002-07-17T00:13:00.000-03:00

I think, think and think and can't write a goddamn think in my speech. I have the structure done though. My presentation is going to be divided in four groups of an hour and a half each. Dunno if I'll be able to fill this time up. I really hope I can. It's been very painful to think about it. It would be so much simple if it were just for a couple of hours. I want to do something nice and really help them. But sometimes I doubt if I can really do that. Fuck! I know I can I just need to focus and concentrate. Yes, that is it. Focus and concentrate!

Went to a puppet show this evening. It was very nice. I had never gone to one before. I really enjoyed it. They were a group from Argentina and they did a great job. The sound was not that good at the theater but they guys were really good at manipulating the puppets. Tomorrow I'll go to another puppet show but in the afternoon. It's a festival that's been happening in the city. Also tomorrow I'll try to get an interview with some of the bands who are going to be in the city for the Winter Festival. Abonico is working in the event and he's asked me if I'm going there. I will as I'm going to write about it for the paper.

It's very cold here tonight. My feet is frozen and Jason is not here to warm me up. Thought about him the whole day and all I wanted was to be with him. And I'm just going to travel in 21 days from today! And also the guy from the tourism agency called me this morning telling me that America Airlines has changed my flight schedule. I was supposed to leave Portland in the afternoon and now I'm leaving in the morning!

Well, time to focus and concentrate

2002-07-14T21:01:00.000-03:00

I haven't been updating as I would like. Lots of things have been going on in my head these days but I really couldn't figure how to write them down. It's Sunday night already and I haven't done anything I should have prepared for my speech next week.

Can't remember if I have commented about my speech. Anyway, they called me from an editing school asking me if I could hand a presentation about how to teach English to kids. The weird thing is that I accepted the challange thinking about the money I'd get. As I'm going to travel next month all I need now is money. Anyway tomorrow I have to hand in some information about my speech and so far I still don't know what I'll say.

All I can do is think in a thousand other things. Haven't done much this weekend. Worked on Saturday morning. The last class of the semester. And hung out with some friends yesterday night. We went to some kind of bar-club thing. It was nice but I felt I didn't belong to that place. Dunno if it was because of Jason or because I'm engaged. The thing is I'm not this sort of girl. My single friends went there to drink, dance and flert girls. And I was there, all by myself. Kind of lost in the middle of the crowd. Some stupid assholes came to flert me. And that was very disgusting. Well, it was nice if you think there are people who think you're attractive and cute but in the end it was more stupid than anything else. It was not a bad night at all, it was just I really felt weird there.

Couldn't talk to Jason today so he decided to call me because he was going out with Neil. Really don't like when he calls me just to justify him not being "avaiable" for me. And he sounds like that the whole time. Even when he tells me he wanted to call. Anyway, our conversation was not very good and as I'm feeling weird feelings these days all I wanted was to tell him to leave me alone and do whatever he wanted with his life. I know it's not the truth though and he knows that too. We kind of ended the conversation well, I think.

Diogo has just called me. I couldn't do any of my research for the speech. I really give up. I'll do it later. We are going to hang out. Just eat something and talk. But I think I need it. Rudney is going too which is cool. Being home is getting depressive. I need something else...

2002-07-08T15:42:00.000-03:00

Wow.. It's been a while since the last time I published here. Actually I've been getting a bit sick of the internet and all I do is read some regular sites and talk to Jason. We had a very nice talk on Saturday night. It was very good and pleasant.

Yesterday watched "Men in Black II". It was a preview at 11 am on Sunday! Went with Rudney. It's not a bad movie actually. It's good for its purposes. On Saturday night watched "Le Pacte des Loups". It was not that good as I was expecting. Anyway, all I wanted that night was to be with Jason and pretty much everything I did was not good at all because he was not with me.

On Friday afternoon got an unexpected call. A lady from a school asking me to give them a speech about teaching children from 4 to 11. That really impressed me. Dunno if I'm that good for that but I'm really thinking about accepting it because of the money. And after all I've been teaching for six years already. Something I know about this subject. Still don't know how much I'm going to earn but guess it's a nice amount. Need to call her today but I'm waiting for Jason to come online and talk to him about it. But I'll probably accept the offer though. I don't suck and I can do it well.

Had a hair cut and dyed it on Saturday evening. It's nice. Jason liked it and I'm glad about it. My mom said now I look like very asian. Well, that's what I am anyway.. hehehe

It's cold and I'm not feeling so good. Want to eat something but don't know what. I really need vacation!

2002-07-04T14:58:00.000-03:00

Some new things going on but I'm not feeling like writing now.

Just wanted to post my texts about Cabo de Santo Agostinho. They were published today =)

See yaah!

2002-07-03T17:39:00.000-03:00

Cool! We are going to have some changes in the paper and I liked them! I'll be the responsible for the cinema website and also responsible for the pubs, bars and dance clubs section too. And we will able to write more about everything related to entertainment! That's great! Hope things really happen. And also I'm going to work with Gisele and Alexandre and they're very nice people. So I guess things are going to change for better =)

Bought my ticket this morning. Paid US$ 801 for it plus US$ 100 for taxes. I'm going to pay five payments and hope I'll have the money to pay for it. There are soo many things I want to buy but need to keep my ticket in mind. I'm going to get some extra money next week. As the school was sold, we are going to bet some benefits for being fired. That's kind of nice when I think about the money I'll get at a nice time but kind of depressing if I think I lost one of my jobs so that's less money in my account too. Anyway I need this money and I think I can get another teaching job pretty easy. The only problem is that I'm coming back in September and the second semester will have started already.

Finally finished writing my article about "Lilo & Stitch". And my texts about the beach and the resort I went to a month ago will be published tomorrow at the printed version of the paper. That's very nice. It's a whole page just with my texts. For the first time. Hope it's not the last ;)

2002-07-01T17:47:00.000-03:00

Day is almost done at the paper. I'm glad about it ;)

The guy from the travel agency called me this afternoon. My ticket is going to cost 890 dollars with all taxes included. It's the cheapest I could get. And I'm also using Jason's mileage to go to Seattle. I'm leaving on August the 5th and coming back on September the 6th. Less than 30 days to be with the person I love the most!! Damn it!!

I'm going to a cloathing and housing fair with mom and Heliomar (her friend). I hope it's nice and that I don't spend soo much money there ;)

Had a VERY nice time with Jason yesterday ;) It was very good and I really appreciated it. My body needed it too ;)

2002-06-30T21:08:00.000-03:00

WE ARE THE BEST SOCCER TEAM IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!

So yeah, Brasil has won the WorldCup. We've played against Germany this morning and Ronaldo scored TWO goals =)

******

Yesterday at lunch time met the people from the paper. We ate at an Italian restaurant . The food was not that good but it was nice to talk. After that, went to my grandparents' as usual.

Also went to the movies with Rudney and Diogo in the evening. We watched the new Disney old style cartoon "Lilo & Stitch". It was very nice. Not the techniques but the story. Humm.. Actually not the whole story but some parts of it. I had fun.

Right after "Lilo & Stitch" we watched a stupid teen horror movie called "Long Time Dead". The story is about some fucked up teens who played with the spirits. The same old bullshit we all know about teen movies.

Went to the rave with Diogo and Rudney. It was very boring. It all started when we arrived there. There was a huge line to come into the place. Though it was at a nice place (the Opera House), the people sucked. Damn! Guess I'm really getting old. Got really bored with the stupid teens who thought they were the best of all. And also their clothes. I mean, it was so obvious they never dress like that in real life. And there they were all with that 'modern' look. Urgh!

And the music.. Well, I understand nothing about eletronic but since I arrived there till the moment I left it seemed they were playing the same song! And that's pretty annoying. Rudney got bored there too and we went home. Diogo stayed there and who knows what happened to him ;)

******

Sometimes weird things happen. Don't know if I should write it here. I know Jason reads this but well, it's something that happened and really scared me. Think he's going to understand it. I love him. And he knows that pretty well.

Some weeks ago I saw Alexei at the movie theater. He pretended he hadn't seen me and so had I. Well, last night I had a very pleasant dream that became kind of a nightmare when I woke up and realized what had happened.

Woke up really early, considering the time I went to bed, and walked straight to the living room because Brasil was already playing. Watched the game and after it finished went to bed again. Slept till lunch time for a couple of hours. And then the dream.

Dramed about Alexei and me. And need to admit while sleeping it was such a nice feeling. We were at his house which he was sharing with some friends. We started talking friendly when we suddenly had that fatal look into each other eyes where we can't resist but kiss. And after the kiss, many other kisses came and hugs and he saying he loved me and me saying I was a coward to not admit I liked him when we had the chance. And then the sex. We were really into it but for some unknown reason it didn't happen. Which made me very glad the moment I woke up.

Why do I have this sort of dream? Damn it! I love Jason with all my heart and soul and body and there's nobody else I want but him. Sex with him is so wonderful and it's something I really miss being far from him. Why can't I keep on having sexy dreams with him as I usually have? I know dreams are just dreams and they mean nothing. Specially this one. But I really got annoyed just with the possibility of 'cheating' on him. Even with a dream. I know that's not the truth though. I know I'm never going to cheat on him. I love him more than anything and I really hope he understands this. It's not that I want somebody else. That's completely a lie. It's just I thought I should mention it.

I love you, Jason Fortman, I really do =) I'll love you forever actually and I barelly can't wait to feel all your weight on me ;)

2002-06-27T23:51:00.000-03:00

Cold... brrrrr

I've just gotten home. My parents decided to have dinner at an Arabian restaurant. It was very good. Ricardo and Carla were supposed to go but they gave up when they knew it was at a restaurant and not at my house.

Finally finished writing the issue to Abonico. Hope he likes them and doesn't think they are shit. Sometimes, actually, quite often I have the feeling everything I write is crap and nothing is good. Well, Alessandro read one of them and told me it was nice. Well, let's wait and see.

Diogo called me this afternoon invinting me to a kind of Rave on Saturday. As I failed him last weekend, I'm going to this one. I really wouldn't like to go but he keeps asking every day, so I think I'll go. Dunno if it's going to be nice. It's a bit far from home and well, the music.. It's eletronic and everybody knows how much I dislike it. Maybe because I don't know the right things but sometimes I think that even if I knew them I'm just not in the mood or I'm just not modern enough to enjoy listening to eletronic.

Need to get up early tomorrow. I have a breakfast at the paper. It's kind of a silly thing though. They call it "breakfast with the board". It's going to suck. It's going to be a bunch of rich and snobish people thinking that we have the best paper ever and some of the employees so they can say it's a good opportunity for us to know the company better. As if a breakfast would change my point of view about them. And it's at eight am! Too early for someone who can barely wake up before nine ;)

2002-06-26T00:50:00.000-03:00

Cold day again. Talked to Jason on the phone yesterday night and it was very good though I missed him sharing the bed with me. Missed his touch and his warm and his tight hug...

Finally finished my issue about "Blade 2". Dunno if it's good though. Well, good enough for the good words I hear at work.

Abonico sent me an e-mail asking me a favor. He is a very nice guy and I like him very much. He's the only journalist who has ever told me I'm good. I mentioned it today and he wrote me that I'm good but of course I still have some things to work on. He's right. Sometimes all I think is that I suck and that nobody will ever read my stuff and say they're nice. It's silly though. I know I'm not a dumb girl and I know I have potential provided I'm feeling I have. But it's still in me though. Anyway, I was supposed to be re-writing a text about "I Am Sam" soundtrack but honestly I've read it and I can't think about anything else to add there. So, I'll write him an e-mail explaining my situation. He wants the text for noon. All I'm going to ask him is for more a couple of hours so I can write at the paper ;) Now I really can't.

Things were a bit annoying at school this evening. I'm way too late with their homework and I feel they don't feel good in class and I don't either. Suddenly I realized I don't know if I'm still a nice teacher. With my Book Five class I don't feel they're connected to my classes. All they do the whole time is complain about everything! And my Book Seven is another problem. There's a very good student who has a nice music and movie taste. But the other one is not that good in English and doesn't have the same interests we have. And quite often I can see him getting bored in class. And my Saturday classes.. I often have to work at the paper and I can't give them all the attention they deserve. That's bad...

Wow.. It's late and Brasil is going to play tomorrow. If we won the next game we are in the finals against Germany. We have to win! =)

2002-06-25T14:30:00.000-03:00

Wow.. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone who reads this blog...

Aside you, Jason ;)

2002-06-24T15:04:00.000-03:00

This song rocks =)

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever

(Oasis - "Live Forever")

2002-06-24T00:20:00.000-03:00

Cold and boring Sunday. Arrived home late from work. Didn't have lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV as my brother was in the computer and Jason wasn't online. Watched some stupid Sunday TV shows when Marco called me. Jason wanted to talk to me because he was going to take Neil to see some houses. So I ended up having the whole day just for myself with nothing else going on. I guess I managed to make time go faster. The only problem is that I could've done better things with my time. Instead I just watched TV and watched TV. I could've correct some tests, done my Spanish homework and put my account in order. Oh well...

Diogo was in the paper today. It's kind of cool seeing people you know in the paper. Couldn't help but send it to Sandy. Her friend has a crush on Diogo and thought she would enjoy seeing him and I could make fun of him later ;) Let's see what's going to happen after...

Winter has definitly arrived. My feet is freezing... brrrrrrrrrr

2002-06-23T14:33:00.000-03:00

Didn't do much yesterday aside from thinking.

Went to the mall with my brother and it was good but expensive. Bought some clothes (always thinking about my vacation and being with him) and because of that couldn't avoid but think about us. Spent almost a hundred bucks buying underwear. It sounds insane now but it didn't or I couldn't think it would at that time.

Arrived home and all I wanted was to make that day disappear. My brother needed to use the computer to do some school work and as I'm making my own scarf (tricot) decided it was not a big deal. Well, it actually was. When I read Jason's entry I realized how pissed off he was and how selfish and coward I was. The rule thing was not the big issue. The biggest issue was and still is us feeling lonely because we love each other so much and it's been damn five months we can't be with each other. We can't touch each other, we can't kiss each other and we can't love each other!

Wrote him a reply and decided I could call him and try to make him understand how I was feeling. Called once and there was a message from the cell company saying "the user is out of the area". Waited for a few seconds and tried again. Now his answering machine answered the phone. I was getting really annoyed when I decided I could take the last try. So I called and he finally answered the phone.

Didn't need to talk much as he started talking (first angrily) and then all he said was what I was feeling. The loneliness!!!! And it was so good to listen to him saying he loves me above all and he thinks we can overcome stuff like that together. And he also said if we were phisically together we could've solved this issue in five minutes with a big and tight hug. Exactly what I wanted and exactly the way I was feeling. That was soo good. It was good to notice that despite our differences we still think we are able to solve our problems and grow with them and that the distance is killing us little by little.

I love him and yes, maybe I was a jerk trying to fake things into an issue but I was really afraid. And these couple of days we haven't spoken made me shake thinking I could possibly lose him forever. That was really scaring.

Things are nice now from what I could feel when we hung up the phone last night. I'm feeling better and so is he. And we know again we are not perfect people but we are definitly the best for each other.

2002-06-22T14:04:00.000-03:00

Wow.. Winter has arrived. It's too damn cold today!

I'm at the paper and nothing much is going on. Everything is about the Worldcup and just that. The good thing is I'm leaving in a while.

Want to go to the mall this afternoon but dunno if I will. Nobody seems to want to go with me and I think it's kind of depressing going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon all by myself. Sometimes I think I should be more friendly and do stuff with my friends so they can be with me when I need them. I know there's not much fun going to the mall but I like going and shopping around. Guess none of my friends like that.

Things I'd like to buy at the mall:

* Storytelling - the new Belle and Sebastian album

* About a Boy soundtrack

* A pair of black All Star

* Some cute underwear

2002-06-22T01:05:00.000-03:00

Brasil played against England early this morning. After being behind in the score we managed to overcome that and won the game. That was pretty nice.

Finally watched "The Man Who Wasn't There". A very nice movie. Very well built and with very good actors. Billy Bob Thortnon is a very damn good actor. And also Frances McDormand. She kicks ass. The movie is all black and white and it's actually very accurate. The photography is almost perfect and also is the direction. The Coen brothers are really good at directing and writting.

Alessandro went with me and when we were leaving the theater, Rudney was there. As it was raining he went till Cinemateca to pick me up. Very sweet from him =)

Well, then we watched "Blade 2". No need to tell it's a crappy one though I think they've spent a shit load of money with it. Even the fights sequences were annoying after a few time. I was just bored of watching it. There were a couple of very well done nice fight seems but the rest was all crap. And also the vampire story is not that much entertaining. And Wesley Snipes is always Wesley Snipes. A totally waste of time. Except for those who are still in their adolescense and boys. Girls won't like "Blade 2" either.

Have to work tomorrow morning. So guess it's time to go to bed.

Jason and I argued today again.......

2002-06-20T15:38:00.000-03:00

Well, guess everybody who often comes here knows about me and Jason and about our relationship.

Hummm.. For those who still don't know here it goes:

* I met Jason on the internet a few years ago.

* Jason is an American guy and I'm a Brasilian girl.

* Last May I went to Seattle to visit him.

* On the second day there, we kissed and it was very good ;)

* Since May the 17th we are together.

* When I came back I didn't tell my parents about us.

* Last August Jason came to Brasil.

* He stayed in Rio for the first week for a capoeira conference.

* When he came to Curitiba my parents found out we were dating ;)

* He stayed here for a couple of weeks and it was very good.

* At a "Belle and Sebastian" show I proposed him ;) Yes, I did =)

* And he accepted it. Our engagement gift was a "Belle and Sebastian" mousepad ;)

* He came to Brasil again in December.

* We spent Christmas and New Year's together.

* On December the 20th, we officially got engaged.

* I got a very nice engagement ring.

* My birthday is on April the 17th and Jason's birthday is on April the 25th.

* Jason's mom came to visit me in April.

* She was here for my birthday party.

* Jason has finished studying about 3D this month.

* I'm going to Seattle on my vacation in August.

* And I'll spend 40 days with him =)

That is a bit of our story =) All of this because of a funny thing I found in a blog today:

"As for the Jason situation (I like that--I'm changing my journal title) I have not the faintest inkling of communication from him at the moment, and I have not the slightest idea how or where he is. Well, you know what they say, if you don't hear from them they're probably having fun. So it's a good thing for him and a bloody boring thing for me. In consolation, I know I'll hear from him sooner or later, though at the moment it looks suspiciously like later. Ah, well. Life will go on"

Weird, hu?? ;)

2002-06-19T17:58:00.000-03:00

I'm not good today. I don't know what's been going on. I'm just bored for any good reason.

Talked to Jason this afternoon. We had a nice talk and it was actually good. Though I couldn't get interessed in the stuff he was telling me. Guess I got a bit bored with the rave subject. Anyway, he's doing nice stuff today and he also has capoeira tonight.

Wrote a bunch of e-mails to the people I traveled with. I think it's nice to keep in touch with nice people we meet around the world =)

Oh yeah, yesterday night, as I didn't speak with Jason either, watched "Bandits". It's a nice movie but a bit silly too. Billy Bob Thorton is very good. He kicks ass and as far as I know "Bandits" is just his beginning... They are finally going to show "The Man Who Wasn't There" here this weekend. People say he's much better in this movie. I'll see it on Friday, probably =) I also have to watch "Mullholland Drive". Still didn't have time to watch it though.

Great! Time to go home now =)

2002-06-18T17:06:00.000-03:00

One more hour and I'm leaving =) That's very good. Tonight they're going to show the last episode of "Scrubs". I can't miss it. hehehe

Had a terrible time getting up this morning. I'm starting getting worried about it. I've been sleeping seven to eight nights daily but I always have a hard time getting out of my bed. And I don't have the excuse of saying it's because it's cold or because Jason is with me. It's not. I just can't open my eyes and get up!

I've been reading lots of nice blogs lately and I've been wondering how bad mine is. Well, it actually started because I wanted to tell Jason stuff and also because I thought it would be a nice idea to write down what's been going on... And the reason it's in English.. Well, Jason doesn't know Portuguese, at least not good enough to read a whole post ;) And I can practice my English too.. hehehe Though sometimes it sucks ;)

Still haven't found the lyrics from "The Reindeer Section"... Think I'll have to write them down myself...

2002-06-18T00:46:00.000-03:00

I've just kicked my brother off my computer. He keeps complaining the connection sucks but he doesn't give me a penny to pay for my ISP. I know dial connection is crap but right now I don't have enough money to pay for ADSL and if I had I wouldn't let him use it. Dumbass...

2002-06-17T17:34:00.000-03:00

Slow and easy Monday. Brasil played this morning and won. It was actually a bad game but, well, we won! ;)

Finished writing my texts for the Tourism section of the paper late at night. Saw the pictures I took this afternoon. They are very nice. I'm a bit impressed about my skills in taking pictures but the camera and the lab helped me a lot ;)

Nothing much going on except my worries about money. I'm really broke this month and still want to buy some stuff. I always want to buy stuff. That's the problem. I need to learn I don't have money to buy whatever I want to!!!

2002-06-17T01:22:00.000-03:00

So, Jason woke me up at around 4 am last night. He had read my entry and was pissed off and wanted to comment it. It was kind of odd in the beginning as I was getting into the deep sleep part but after a while it was nice. He talked for a long time and all I did was listen to him. After he told me all he wanted we talked and things got a little bit better. There're always the interpretations of each one and that can kill us one day.

Woke up late and went to the country party at the church with Carla and Ricardo. We had lunch there and stayed there for a bit as my parents were working there and helping people. I don't go to church but I'm always in their parties. Talked to Carla about my fight with Jason. It was actually good to share with someone all I've been through these days.

Arrived home and started writing my assingment for the tourism section of the paper about Cabo de Santo Agostinho, the beach I was at last week. Jason was online and things were not flowing nicely. Then we started another discussion for over two hours! It was actually good aside from the delay of my writing and his leaving. I think both of us had the chance to tell each other what our fears are and what we want for life.

He knows I love him and I know he loves me. What was really scaring me was that I couldn't see anything in him that was trying to move ahead. Trying to make ends meet so we could get married and live together. He thought the same about me. And I don't blame him and I don't blame myself either. It was a lack of comunication and more than that it was a different interpretation from my end and his end.

Now things are nice and we are back to planning things and working to be together as soon as we can. My vacation is coming. It's going to be in the beginning of August and we are almost in the end of June. That's pretty sweet =) I really can't wait to see him standing in front of the arrival aisle at the airport with a big smile on his face and his arms open to hug me ;) I can't really wait to feel his warmth and his skin touching mine and his heart beating and him breathing... I need a real Jason, I really do. Sometimes I think I can go mad if I don't have him in skin and bones soon...

2002-06-16T02:24:00.000-03:00

I've just arrived from the movie theater. Watched "The Sum of all Fears". It was actually good. Well, not that good but not as bad as I was expecting it to be. Went with Rudney, Diogo and Priscilla. It was all nice till the time we decided to come back home. Priscilla has a hard time with money and "who pays what". She always wants to pay the exactly amount of money she's spent and whenever she pays for something more she wants her money back, specially with Diogo. And it all started because of 5 bucks. And, damn! I was the one who paid for the parking lot!

She's a nice girl and I like her but we are so different in so many things. She always seems to have the necessity to show us (Rudney and I) that she's the one in charge. So she keeps arguing with Diogo every time we hang around. And I always have the bad idea of coming back with them as Diogo lives near my house. There isn't a single night they don't argue. And they're not even dating anymore!

Arrived home and Jason had left me a couple of messages on icq. I wasn't really in the mood of reading them but read them anyway. Then decided to check his live journal. And voilá! He had written there after a long, long time. He wrote about Eleise and how much he misses her, about the internship he didn't get and about me. And every time he starts talking about me the same sentence appears: "I know what she's been through. I felt that already". And I don't know what my reaction should be. Should I get relieved because he understands me or should I get annoyed because he knows everything I feel but never tells me? And actually sometimes I really doubt he knows what I really feel.

I've been feeling things I haven't felt before. Yesterday I had the awful idea of calling him. I was feeling kind of bad for not talking so nicely with him during the day as I wasn't feeling that good. I still haven't learned a thing about phone calls. Why is it so difficult to me to accept phone calls have a great probability of upseting me? Why do I insist on calling? So yeah, called him last night. He was in the car with a girl from capoeira. Don't even ask me who the girl was. I have no idea aside from her voice echoing on my ears. He gently asked me to wait as the signal was bad and he was driving. I waited but things didn't get any better. Maybe they got even worse as he lost track of himself. He was clearly not a bit comfortable talking to me. And I wasn't happy at all so I decided to hang up and let him do the stuff for the capoeira event that's happening this weekend. The girl was definitly a better company than I was being at that time.

Haven't talked to him today. Still on Friday asked him what was his opinion if I moved to the US this year. He got speechless for some minutes and then told me it would be nice but not that good. I do agree with him. The fact is even if I really wanted to I wouldn't do that. I know how our situation is nowadays. I don't want to force anything and even if my job sucks I do have some nice funny moments there. All my friends and family are here and it would be kind of sad leaving them here. I guess if somebody asks me right now when I'm going to move I'd tell him: "Not in a long time". Not seeing each other frequently and not being able to actually being together sucks but these days I've been wondering which would suck more. Being away and missing him or being together and feeling guilty. Well, guilty is not the right word. But feeling uncomfortable.

I know I love him but I also know there's something going on. He's busy with the capoeira thing this weekend and Neil is in town and I need to write my article about the beach. So we're probably not going to speak tomorrow. Right now it sounds the best thing. Maybe tomorrow after waking up I'll feel so bad I had ever said this. We're not having the same ideals and goals and we're not well balanced. It scares me. It really does.

.............

2002-06-14T17:49:00.000-03:00

I'm feeling weird today. Yesterday night felt asleep and didn't talk to Jason as I had promised him.

Woke up kind of late and came straight to work. Didn't do much. Only the usual editing I have to do every Friday. It's nothing to do with work though. I'm just feeling weird. I don't even think it's related to Jason or to us. I'm just feeling full of everything. Full of coming to work, full of talking to people and sometimes even full of talking to my fiance. I'm full of my life. Things have been changing but not for better. Sometimes I think things are getting worse. Nothing is going to its end. They're just looping and looping. I'm getting bored with everything so easily...

I have to start and finish writing my assingments for the tourism section of the paper. I'm not in the mood to write though. All I want is to sleep and wake up only when things are nice again. Why do I feel so upset and down about my life?

2002-06-13T17:06:00.000-03:00

Can't make up my mind..

I don't know which one I like the best and I don't know if there's one I like the best...

If it's the Converse, the Gola or the Nike ones

Can't find the traditional adidas though...

2002-06-13T16:19:00.000-03:00

Brasil played early this morning against Costa Rica. And we won. I was going to get up to watch the game but when my alarm clock went off decided to be in bed for just some more minutes. You can never trust "some more minutes". I ended up sleeping straight and just woke up at 8.

Hung out with mom and her friend in the morning. It was nice. They had to buy a birthday gift to their Italian teacher. Mom bought a rug made by brasilian indians in Amazon and Heliomar bought some candle holders with orange candles. Very cute.

These days I've been thinking about buying a new pair of sneakers. I know I have no money to spend but the idea keeps looping in my mind. And it all started because I've almost destroyed my cheap and cheasy all star ;)

2002-06-12T13:50:00.000-03:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

FELIZ DIA DOS NAMORADOS!!

For everyone who's in love and who's being loved!!

And specially for you, cutie =) Love you forever =)

2002-06-11T00:39:00.000-03:00

I'm back. After a whole weekend without coming near the computer, here I am, once again.

The trip was very nice. It could've been better if it wasn't raining the whole weekend, but I still had fun. It actually sucked in the beginning but it turned out to be a very nice, interesting and enjoyable experience.

My flight was supposed to leave Curitiba at 7:20 am. As a good traveler, I was there an hour before and just five minutes before boarding the airport was closed due to the foggy weather. Needed to be there for a couple of hours and because of the flight delay I lost my flight in São Paulo. Not a big deal if it was not for the connection they've put me into. I was supposed to go to Brasilia only in the evening and then to Recife. I'd arrive at the resort at midnight or so. Got pissed off and so did the other passangers. When we arrived in São Paulo, a couple of hours ahead the preview schedule, they changed our flight again. In short, I ended up going to Salvador and then to Recife. Met some nice people in the plane and that was cool. There was a judo coach who really liked movies. We talked about movies the whole flight. But then, when we were almost in Salvador, a stupid middle-age man started talking all movie critics suck because they don't see the movies themselves. In his stupid opinion, all they see is efects and camera moviments. He's the kind of man who likes those terrible movies such as "On the Green Mile" and "Cast Away". Wait a minute! Both of them are with Tom Hanks.. Stupid little bastard!!

Anyway, arrived at the airport and then straight to the resort. It's a fancy and expensive one, 45 minutes from the airport. It's at a beach called Cabo de Santo Agostinho. The resort is the Blue Tree Park and I had a good time there. Everybody was very friendly and nice. I knew new people, new journalists and they seemed so much cooler than the ones I have to work with. It really made me feel sad seeing they have such more enjoyable time working than I do. It's not that I'm jealous. Well, I think I am but in a good way. All I want is to work in a good enviroment with nice people that are open to new ideas and stuff. Is that asking for too much???

As it was raining, I didn't do much there aside enjoying the resort infrastructure. One of the things I really wanted to do but I couldn't was to go to the beach. Damn! I went to a beach and didn't step my feet on the white sand!! And people say it doesn't rain in Northeast...

Yesterday, we went to Recife and Olinda. Recife is the kind of a big city but it's dirty and not well built. They have ugly constructions and very ugly buildings too. But I really enjoyed the city. Olinda is a very cute and attractive old town. At least what I saw from it. Bought some small gifts there.

Left Recife at 7 am and arrived home at about 3pm. Didn't work today and guess what? It's raining in Curitiba!! Can't believe in that!!

2002-06-06T01:10:00.000-03:00

COOL!!!

I was really thinking I wasn't a lucky girl when Jason came up =) I was online at midnight and he wasn't. Then I needed to restart my computer and when I came back I decided to not be online till I finished taking some pictures for him. In the meantime he was online, wrote me a bunch of messages and left home to buy some stuff. I was thinking about getting here and writing how I'm never lucky and shit when... HE WAS ONLINE!!!

******

Day was good today. Including at work ;) Finished writing my assingments about "Showtime" and "John Q" and also wrote another one for the family section of the site. That was very productive for a Wednesday =) It seems writing is easy sometimes. It can be rough though but I could feel this week things were flowing nice. I think it may be because I'm thinking about the nice weekend I'm going to have ;)

******

Now Jason is out again. He needed to come back to the store to buy something for his pizza. He told me it's going to be quick but dunno. Well, I think it's going to be quick but not as quick as I want it to be. It never is. I think when we miss someone we love and when we're not near this person every second apart seems much more than it really is. It's like my vacation. It's two months from now and it seems an eternity. But I bet when I'll be there with him time is going to end soo fast... Can't even think about it. And we don't know when we're going to see each other after August. That's sad. I want him!!!

2002-06-04T17:48:00.000-03:00

I'm really lazy today!!!!!

2002-06-03T15:21:00.000-03:00

Talked to Jason yesterday and we had a fight. Well, the fight was something that was going to happen anyway. And it did. He got pissed off and I got pissed off. And all of that started because of a phone call. It's not the first time a phone call causes us problems. Anyway, things are cool now and we are ok.

Sometimes I just think he treats me like a child who can't accept "no" as an answer. He's so cautious in talking to me and I'm so cautious and talking to him too. Which is odd because we are enganged and we are going to spend a whole life together. But it seems both of us are afraid of not being excited the whole time. It seems when we talk to each other we have no more problems because one is the solution to the other. which is good but on the other hand is crap. We do have problems and both of us can be boring sometimes. We don't need to seem perfect and happy all the time. Neither him to me, nor me to him.

Things are fine now. Thought about it at night and he thought about it too. Got very happy when opened icq and found this:

"Love you so much hun =) missed you so much it was really really nice =) I brought your picture up and she put sandlewood paste on your forhead are aand held it in the spot I've seen couples be in when they see her together. I was just expecting a little wave of the hand type blessing. it was much nicer =) (...)
There was an amazing wedding there too I never payed so much attention to them before. This one made me cry"

I'm at the paper now. I'm still a bit sick but it's not a big deal. I've already wrote one of my assingments and that's good. For some personal reasons, the first article I wrote today was about "40 Days and 40 Nights".

******

Nobody is sending me any comments. It's sad. I really want people to talk to me ;)

2002-06-02T02:34:00.000-03:00

Went to Priscilla's today and it was a bit odd. First because it's been a while since the last time we actually talked and second... She's depressed. I don't know what's been going on for sure but she's not ok. Well, she broke up with Diogo a couple of weeks ago and that's all I know. We'll probably meet this weekend and talk about what's up.

As I had promised, met Alessandro at Cinemateca to watch "La Stanza del Figlio". The plot is VERY similar to "In the Bedroom". It's a pretty good movie. I enjoyed watching it though I got annoyed sometimes with the father... ;)

Well, after we watched it we were thinking about watching "Mullholland Drive" but as the stupid girl at the teather didn't want to sell us the tickets at seven, we couldn't watch it. It really pissed me off. It's like they care for their status but they don't care about the people who actually enjoy going to the teather to watch a movie.

Rudney called me when I was downtown so then we went to Estação to eat and watch "40 Days and 40 Nights". It's a romantic comedy but I enjoyed watching it. Maybe because the girl kind of reminded me of myself and stuff. Anyway it was a nice movie. At least for me and at least for tonight. Tomorrow never knows ;)

2002-06-01T03:10:00.000-03:00

I've just arrived home. Went to the movies to watch "Showtime" and "John Q.". It was actually funny. Jones went with us and we had fun. "Showtime" is not that bad and "John Q.".. Well, no comments on this one aside that we did laugh a lot while watching it. Not that we laughed because the movie was made to make us laugh. We laughed because it's such a terrible one!

Jason called me yesterday night to tell me he might probably got a job as an intern in a video game company in Seattle. He was so happy about it. For a long time I haven't seen him so excited and happy about things. I'm glad things are going nice for him. He deserves that. He has been without work for a while and this job may be a good opportunity for him to see what he really wants for his carreer. I'm soo happy for him. He spent the whole night on a kind of a project they asked him to do as an evaluation test. I'm sure he's going to do well and they'll like him. Also the things at the indian thing seemed to cheer him up too which is good too.

******

Something very weird happened at the mall tonight. Didn't have time to come home because I stayed at the paper till late but early enough to take a walk at the mall before going to the movies . Decided to take a wake and spent some money. Bought a pair of very funky socks to wear with skirts and a very cool ring. But now I'm broke. In the morning also went to the mall near home to talk to the bank manager and found a very nice store which sells things from Amazon and from the North of the country. Very cool and natural things. Bought a pair of earrings and a necklace for Laurie. I think she's going to enjoy them.

Back to the mall in the evening...

I was just leaving the ring store when I saw Alexei with a girl. But the girl was not his wife, well, now ex-wife for what I could tell. As far as I knew he had married Elise a couple of years ago. Anyway, seeing him walking holding his hands with the blond girl made me feel weird.

Weird for me and weird for Elise. It's so strange how feelings work. I mean, it's not that I don't love Jason. It's not that. I do love him will all my heart and soul. It was that seeing Alexei there made me think about my past and the things I did and the ones I didn't. And one of the things I didn't do was being with him. Something I really wanted but I was afraid. He came into my life when I had just broken up with Fernando and when we had kind of a date all I could tell him was how independent I was and how I didn't need any man to take care of me. But what I really wanted was him to kiss me. Anyway, we never kissed nor dated. We've just put ourselves in a weird condition of each time we saw each other we weren't able to see each other eye on eye.

And that's exactly what happened tonight. I'm sure he saw me leaving the store and I saw him with the girl but at the same second, both of us looked on the other side trying to pay attention in anything else. We even watched the same movie ("Showtime") but we couldn't be able to say "hi" to each other. What an uncomfortable situation. Well, it had been a while since the last time I saw him for the last time so I suppose I'm not going to see him again so soon which is kind of a relief. It's not that something is going to change if we meet. It's just this weird feeling of an unfinished thing. Oddly enough it's something I'm not sure I wanted to be happening at that time. Now I know I don't. Not in a thousand years. I'm very happy now and I've never been so much loved and I've never loved someone before as I love Jason now.

Ops.. And talking about him... He's on icq right now =)

2002-05-31T00:52:00.000-03:00

I'm getting tired and cold...

I know I've been just complaining the last few days but.. hummm.. isn't it the reason I've created this journal? So I could tell every little thing that pisses me off?

Anyway, didn't do much today. Woke up way too late and all I did in the day time was to watch "Nurse Betty" which totally sucks. Rudney told me it was kind of good and that the actress (the same one who played in "Brigite Jones' Diary") was good and shit. It was awful. A terrible plot with mediocre actors. Even Morgan Freeman sucked. Got kind of annoyed after watching it.

Then went to a friend's house as they were having a party there. The party was for Kátia (a german girl who was studying here). She's leaving tomorrow. It was nice. Actually what I really liked was my clothes ;) It's kind of funny. Even though I keep buying clothes all the time I'm hardly ever satisfied with what I wear after the excitment of wearing them for the first time. Tonight was different though. I really enjoyed the way I looked. I'm not saying I was pretty or sexy . I don't think I was. I was just feeling nice and thinking people were having a good me. It's kind of difficult to explain but it was nice.

******

It's getting late and I need to get up early tomorrow as I promised my brother I'm going downtown with him at 9. Jason hasn't arrived from taking his friend back home yet. Guess I'll SMS him again and then go straight to bed.

Just in case.. I love you!! Hope things were great at the indian thing today. Miss you soo much...

2002-05-30T02:01:00.000-03:00

Tomorrow is holiday!! Nice =) A whole day with absolutely nothing to be done. Well, actually I do have to finish some assingments for the paper but I'll probably just forget about them. Also have some late homework to correct.. Oh well, let's see what tomorrow brings =)

It seems I'm not the only person who doesn't like "Weezer"...

WEEZER
Maladroit
(Interscope)

When I first heard Maladroit, I believed it represented the final failure of my campaign to dislike all Weezer records--a campaign, I should add, that has been a stunning success up to now. As the swaggering rock riff in "American Gigolo" turned into a classic pop melodic descent, and then gave way to the second song's joyous Steve Miller homage, I thought, sweet Christ, Weezer has pulled it off. I imagined that the sucker punch of their green album (and by sucker punch I mean how lame it was, except for "Hash Pipe") was all part of an intricate ruse to fool the public into thinking the band had been born again soft, and that Maladroit was going to be the great, honest, unexpected album Pinkerton is supposed to be (and isn't). Then, the amazing pot I'd been smoking wore off, I woke up and smelled the false metal, and realized that I'd only been hearing the Weezer of my imagination, the one that made records as great as their live shows, the one that fools me every time. SEAN NELSON

I was also reading "Belle and Sebastian" are going to release their new album next Monday and that also includes Brasil. That's very nice though I don't know if I'm going to have money to buy it ;)

2002-05-28T15:21:00.000-03:00

COOL!!!

Something extraordinary happened here this afternoon. I'm going to travel to Recife to write an article for the paper =) I'm soo happy about it!

Well, let's see how it all started...

I was just browsing and listening to music when Gisele came on icq to tell me about a trip Claudia was offering them. I quickly turned my music off and tried to listen to the conversation. She asked Silvia, Gisele and Patricia and all of them had something to do. Gisele is going to be in Bahia on her vacation, Sílvia is the editor and on June 8th is our big meeting and Patricia didn't want to go probably because her boyfriend can't go with her. So, as she didn't have anything else to invite, she asked me if I'd like to go. I know I'm going because I'm the last option she had but at this point in time, who cares? I don't.

I'm going to spend a weekend in a resort, eating, relaxing and having fun for free. And I'm sure it will be good. I don't know anything in Northeast so that's a good oportunity even if it's just for a couple of days.

******

Talking to Alessandro a few hours ago and he invited me to go to "Beto Batata" with him and Priscilla. I don't know for sure if I really want to go as I'm on my crazy diet and those swiss potatoes they serve there are wonderful but guess I should go. It's been a while since I talked to Priscilla for the last time and she has asked him to invite me. There's just a problem.. The bar is far from my home and I don't have a car and I don't know how to drive. I'll probably have to go by taxi and spend some money I probably don't have now. But friends are friends and as I'm not going to eat there I'll spend the money with the taxi ;) hehehe

2002-05-28T01:18:00.000-03:00

I've just arrived home. Watched "Abril Despedaçado" and it was nice. I can't say it's a very good movie. I mean the photography is nice, the actors are good and technically it's a good movie but it misses something. The story is about two families who are on a constant land fight. They keep killing each other till the day one of the kids from the poorest family decides he doesn't want to take that anymore. I don't like telling the plot of any movies here but oh well... I'm tired and sleepy ;)

2002-05-27T14:45:00.000-03:00

Damn Monday! I'm at work but all I wanted was to be with him. I know he's sleeping at this time and there's nothing I'd rather want than being with him in bed right now.

Finally started packing his birthday and Valentine gifts. Hope he enjoys them. I'm going to mail the box tomorrow. Dunno when it's going to arrive there. Humm... probably in 15 or 20 days. When packing all I wanted was to give him the gifts so I could see his face when he does not like something so much but pretends it was a nice thing talking about it for over an hour if I let him ;) And I would also be able to hug him and kiss him soo much!

People have no idea how hard it is to maintain a long distant relationship. It's not easy at all. We suffer, we miss, we love and we cry all by ourselves. Even though the other one is always with us we do feel completely alone quite often. But the love we feel for each other is a thousand times stronger and both of us know it's just for some time. We just look foward for the time we're going to share everything.

The good thing is that our relationship gets stronger each day. As we are not completely together we trust each other more than anything and we learn about the other as we talk every day so we can also read in between the lines and we grow up stronger each time we are together.

There're no words to describe how much I wanted him to be here and how much I love him.

I LOVE YOU CUTE BOY!

2002-05-27T00:22:00.000-03:00

I've just watched "My Sassy Girl", a korean movie Jason has sent me. It's a very nice romantic movie. It's not those silly romantic movies people are used watching. It's a touching one. Well, guess that's why romantic movies are made for. You get involved in the story and start being part of it. Which is silly but true.

******

On Friday night went to the movies with Rudney and Diogo to watch "Panic Room". It's such a disgusting movie. I really don't know why David Fincher accepted directing it. It's such a poor plot with so many flaws. Not a single person who is able to think even for a while gets annoyed with so many mistakes and unbelivable things that happen there. They try to justify things and they just screw things up. They make up soo many excuses the plot bacomes a swiss cheese. One word for "Panic Room"?!? Awful!

Also on Friday bought some CDs and got very happy about them. One of them is "The Reindeer Section". The one I wanted to buy but didn't want to spend 60 reais on a CD. But that day it was only 30 so then finally bought it and it's sooo good!!! I'm glad I have it =) Tried to look for its lyrics on the internet but couldn't find. Damn! If there's someone who has them, please send them to me ;)

The other one is from a british band called "Salako". They from Jeepster. Kind of good but not as good as "The Reindeer Section" hehehe ;)

2002-05-24T17:45:00.000-03:00

So we finally talked yesterday. Went to Ricardo and Carla's as I had promised them. She was sick so I didn't stay there for too long. Arrived home and some friends were having dinner. I had eaten pizza at school so decided I didn't need to eat again but needed to help mom with dishes and stuff.

Dad asked me to help him with some typing. As I was not feeling so good decided helping him could be a nice idea. Jason was online. We didn't talk much as I was not fully paying attention to him. But he kept asking me things and telling me things and I was getting more and more pissed off. Kind of finished what I was doing and he called me. He spoke for a long time and all I wanted was to not be there listening to that. He kept telling me I should see how perfect and amazing and smart I am. I know all this though not as intense as he does. But me feeling bad had almost nothing to do with that. What was really annoying me was he telling me what I should do and how I should act and also how to see the positive side of things.

It's not that's not a good thing to be done. Actually it is. It's just when he starts talking about something he thinks it's relevant he keeps talking about it for hours no matter what you tell him. It's not his fault at all. Actually I think it's the best to be done. It's just that I can't act like that sometimes and that annoys me sometimes. And also discussing in English is not as good as it is in Portuguese ;)

Well, in the end things are back to normal again. I got was angry and frustrated about him not being there when I was there and needing him and he thought I was not being sincere with myself and that I should share things with him. It was really a small thing that turned out to be a great big confusion that really made me feel bad for a couple of days. We are fine now and I love him more than ever and more than anything.

******

I'm going to the movies tonight. I'm going to watch "The Panic Room" with Rudney and probably Diogo too. I think it's going to be nice. It's a David Fincher movie. That's a good thing...

Time to go back to work again...

2002-05-23T16:16:00.000-03:00

I've just talked to him and all I can think is why sometimes even knowing something you doubt about it?

Yes, I really got disappointed with him not being there when I was there. And yes, it really hurt me. It hurt me so badly I spent half of my night crying. I even didn't know what the exactly reason was though. I don't know whether I was crying because he'd rather help a friend out than ourselves or because I was so fucking stupid to get sad when all he did was to help a friend. I'd have done the same if I were him. I'd have helped my friend and after appologize for not being there when I was supposed to be. Maybe I got sad because I felt we are not connected. And that's the most scaring true sometimes. Do we really love each other? Are we really the best partners for each other? We do have different needs and different ways to express feelings. It scares the shit out of me just thinking we are not that perfect we once thought we were.

Maybe that's what happens to every relationship. Act one: we love each other and think we are perfect and we're going to be together forever. Act two: fights and fights. We notice we do not have the same opinion about things and that kind of annoys us. Act three: We feel we are not connected anymore. What's next???? Breaking up?? And what about all the dreams and expectations we once had???? And what about the perfect life we were going to share???

So here they come, once again, the fucking expectations... Why do I expect so much from everything??? Why can't I feel happy and satisfied with the amount of things I have?? Why am I so insecure??? Why do I keep dreaming?? Why do my dreams always get mixed with the real world and it always screws things up???

It's not anybody's fault but mine. Oh maybe that's totally bullshit. I always get hurt.. All the time.. It seems I do have huge needs that no one else can understand. Or maybe they are just stupid feelings that I should learn how to go over them. The point is: I can't!!!! I can't be those stupid little girls that are happy with every piece of bread people give them. I need more than that. I need someone to fill my needs. I can't be happy just accepting small amounts of charity. I just can't.

Am I being selfish?? Oh well, probably and sure. Yes I am. But that's the way my heart feels now. That's how I feel now..

I know you're going to read this and once again, it's not your fault.. I even don't know if it's my fault... It's just the way I am.. I'm sorry I'm not fucking perfect...

2002-05-23T12:17:00.000-03:00

So, arrived at the paper really wanting to read something from him but... NOTHING!!! Nothing at all.. Not a line...

What's going on?!?

Well, maybe nothing is going on on his end... But I can't stop thinking there's something going on...

Oh well...

2002-05-23T00:34:00.000-03:00

So here I am and it seems I'm not going to talk to him tonight again. Well, guess it's time to start getting used to that. I know it was not his fault but I can't help but get sad and lonely and shit. I hate that.

I'm going to bed....

2002-05-22T16:26:00.000-03:00

Yow! The girl canceled the class yesterday and I didn't need to give her the class! That was the best news yesterday =)

Didn't do much today, as usual. I'm getting annoyed about not having nice things to do. I mean, listening to music and reading is a nice thing but sometimes I just wish I could do something different.

Today is the last day of my crazy-funky diet. And it seems I've already lost some weight. I'm very glad about it. Jason says I don't need to lose weight but I think I need. Well, I guess every woman thinks she needs to lose weight. Even the thin ones. Anyway, if this diet really works, I'll have it next week too.

I'm bothered and don't want to work. Have to write two texts and all I want is to watch a good movie. It's been a while since I watched a good one. Maybe tonight. Cool! Cinemax is going to show Magnolia tonight at ten. Think I'm going to watch it and then try to talk to the cutest boy ever.

2002-05-21T15:52:00.000-03:00

Damn!! Why have I done that?? Damn!!

So, yeah, they called me from school asking me if I could give a class after mine. I was thinking about my answer when the secretary said: "The student is Carol Pizzano". She's the most boring and dumb student ever!! And the class she wants is not even related to the school books. She has a test tomorrow so now she wants to learn some things she made wrong at the first one. I have no clue about what stupid things she's going to ask me.

The problem is: I said "Fine, I give the class". What the hell was I thinking about??? I'm not Madre Teresa de Calcutá. I don't work for a good cause. I don't do charity. Well, actually I do sometimes but that's much more than charity. That's being in a room with a dumb person for an hour and getting almost nothing for being there! Damn! I don't know what I was thinking about when I accepted the class. 60 minutes of pure nonsense for less than 10 bucks!!!! Oh well...

Sometimes I do hate myself being not so selfish....

2002-05-19T17:57:00.000-03:00

So I'm still here at the paper. I've arrived before nine in the morning and it's almost six and I'm still here. Going home soon though.

Had a terrible discussion with Jason in the meantime and that really sucked. I'm not in the mood of talking about it again. So that's enough for now.

And actually nobody really reads it aside from him. I'm definitly going to finish this journal. It's kind of useless. I really do like when people tell me stuff and all. But it has never happened to my journal!!!

Yesterday went to Priscilla's birthday party. It was nice. I mean, it was in a very expensive place. I spent 30 bucks there plus the gift I've bought for her. Then the band who was playing there sucked. It was a 80's brasilian pop crap band. Dunno why she chose her party to be there. Oh well. And the only people who were there was Diogo, his sister and her boyfriend, Alessandro, Rudney, Priscilla's sister and her cousin and Priscilla's ex-ex-boyfriend if you consider Diogo his ex-boyfriend and I. And that was kind of weird. She' s the one who claims to know everybody.

Arrived home really missing Jason as I really wanted him to be there with me. At the bar we were surrounded by couples. And they seemed to be in love for the first time. They just couldn't stop kissing and hugging and all the cute things I miss doing. That was sort of painful and couldn't resist but calling him as soon as I arrived home. Sometimes seeing things I can't have right now just make me sad.

2002-05-18T21:49:00.000-03:00

Now that I've said it all I'm feeling better. Talked to Jason for almost two hours yesterday on the phone and that was very good too.

Didn't do much today. Went to the paper and then to my grandparents'. Came back home and slept, actually I overslept. I think when I'm down and tired all I want is to sleep the whole day. Sleeping nobody can bother me and there're no worries. Just a headache for sleeping too much ;)

Tonight I have Priscilla's birthday party. It's going to be at "Era Só o Que Faltava". Dunno who is going to be there and I'm sure I'm not going to be there for too long as I have to get up early tomorrow to work and I know Rudney needs to leave early too. And he'll probably give me a ride. Anyway I think it's going to be nice. It's been a while I saw Priscilla for the last time. Think it was on my birthday...

2002-05-18T21:36:00.000-03:00

So, yeah, here is what's been up at the paper:

Yesterday Spider-Man came to town. No big deal except for some fans and all the marketing it envolves. Every freak-geek-loser wants to watch it and there're hundreds of people so desperatly waiting to watch it. I wanted to watch it. So far nothing new. BUT then I arrive at the paper on Friday and there's this huge thing about Spider-Man in the website. I think: "Wow! That's cool! For the first time they've decided to give movies a credit". Then I noticed they had written something wrong and correct it without making fun of anyone or saying something mean, which I totally could as they do.

Anyway, my editor arrived and so the other girl who works at the same section I work. Claudia (the big boss) called both of them to talk about our Spider-Man coverage as we hadn't prepared a damn thing. They kept talking about it for about half an hour and didn't even invited me to join the meeting. For Christ sake I'm part of the team too as far as I'm concerned.

Got so angry and upset that I went downstairs to talk to Rudney. Everyone says it's how companies work and shit. Also everyone says I'm better than they are. How can they do such a thing? They've really hurt my feelings, my pride. And now I realize more than ever that I just hate working there. I'm never part of any team. They just talk to me when they need something. For instance, when they need an article about family and shit or when they need me to work on Sunday morning. But nobody has never come to talk to me about preparing something nice or just telling me what's my role in the team. I'm there just to do what they need when they need without any questions. That's stupid! I'm better than just someone to fill their schedule.

Anyway.. Nobody has never said a word about Spider-Man to mee. And oddly enough one day before I wrote Alessandro an e-mail asking his help so we could do something a little bit better than just writing an article about the movie. I hadn't mentioned them a damn thing because every time I'm going to tell them something about "movies" they keep repeating that my priority is to write for the family editor!!! Plus that what happened the day before with Patricia getting angry when all I wanted was to publish my text about the last day of the film festival in the city.

What happened yesterday really pissed me off and really made me leave everything and never come back there. I hate when people are soo selfish they can't see a damn thing in front of them. All I can say I'm so sorry for them. They'll always be soo small and will never accomplish good results in life. In the end I felt kind of a relief noticing I'm not like them.

2002-05-17T18:04:00.000-03:00

I JUST HATE EVERY GIRL FROM WORK!!!

I hate being dismissed because I'm too damn good for them!!!

2002-05-16T17:48:00.000-03:00

Well, had four comments on my journal telling me to not stop writting. Can't deny that three of them were written by the only person I know for sure that reads it. The other one was a surprise, though I don't know who this person is. Humm.. It's not Jason as there's an e-mail there. Dunno who this angel is. Really wanted to know. I'm a curious girl ;)

Didn't come to work yesterday and got upset because of it. Not because of not working which was great but something happened that made me sad. The other girl who works here started getting pissed off because I called my editor to put a headline in our website about the last day of the film festival and the girl didn't like it. Well, don't ask me why. She was supposed to help things at our site but all she does is complain the whole fucking time! Now I ask myself how I can put up with that. Think it's time to think about moving...

My period has come and I'm feeling a bit odd today. I'm bleeding soo damn much and it's very uncomfortable. I don't like it at all. I know I'm not in one of my best moods these days. All I'm doing is complaining. Well, guess sometimes it's necessary.

Time to go to school and work a little bit more. I was thinking about going to the movies tonight but guess I'll be home watching TV and talking to Jason. Hope he's home and awake by then ;) ehehe

2002-05-14T17:42:00.000-03:00

Day is almost gone at the paper. I'm tired but I'm not sure why. I have been sleeping nice at night and having nice days. Well, anyway tomorrow I'm not coming to work. It's going to be my day-off. I have more than 15 days-off and thought tomorrow would be a nice day to do absolutely nothing special.

Yesterday night I watched "Lavoura Arcaica". It's a nice three-hour movie. It's about family and forbiden love. It's nice and different. But I think too difficult and complex for ordinary people. I mean, I got bored some times when watching it. And I don't think I'm an ordinary watcher. Or maybe I am and don't know. hehehe Tonight I'm coming back there. It's the last day. I think it's going to be boring as it's the last night and they're going to thank everyone and bla bla bla But need to write a text about it.

It's kind of difficult to keep writing here specially when there's just one person who reads it. And he knows everything before I write. Well, sometimes not but tht's because he overslept or needed to leave before turning the computer on. So, I'm really thinking about ending this journal. If there're anybody against it, please tell me ;)

2002-05-11T15:27:00.000-03:00

Damn.. Lazy day today. Didn't go to my grandparents as tomorrow is Mother's Day and we're going to have luch together. Dad is fishing and only comes back on Sunday night. I was supposed to write a text about "O Invasor" but someone has already included the text from the guy from the printed paper. The text is good. Omar writes very well but I didn't like what they did. I mean, I was supposed to manage this event and I know I was late in writing the text but I was going to do it in the afternoon. I worked at school in the morning...

Anyway I think who did it was the girl that works with me and I'm pretty sure she only did it thinking I had forgotten. And that makes me worried. She's always having secret talks to Claudia and I'm worried she's going to tell her something. Maybe I'm thinking too much and nothing is going to happen. Anyway I'm worried.

This evening I'm going to the festival again. I'm going to watch some movies. Diogo wants to go out tonight. I only don't know where we're going and honestly I don't know for sure if I'm in a good mood for hanging around. I'm fat and I feel everybody is going to notice it. If it was damn cold at least.... ;)

Didn't talk to Jason yesterday night as I went to Ricardo and Carla's. They called me when I was coming home and I went there. Arrived too damn late and he had already left for capoeira. I don't know if I'm going to talk to him tonight as I'll be home late at night. Damn!!! I miss him and each day it seems worse.

2002-05-10T17:58:00.000-03:00

I'm having kind of a busy week. Actually it's nice. I've been doing nice stuff and this afternoon we had a meeting. My editor, me and the other girl who works at Divirta-se. It was a nice meeting. We were talking about improving our website. Getting new and cool stuff. Writting and looking for resources, in short, being a journalist. That was nice. I liked it.

Also yesterday Jason was sooo damn cute and lovely. I couldn't resist but calling him and hearing the sweetest voice telling me such wonderful things. It was so amazing. I felt he was really feeling all those lovely and amazing things he was telling me.

I think now I can say I'm really a journalist. I'm not just sitting in front of the computer waiting for things to happen. Well, most of the times yes, but at least this week I'm going towards new things. That's very nice.

Time to go home now. I just feel like buying some stuff for me so I'll go shopping. Damn consumerism!!! hehehe

2002-05-08T15:10:00.000-03:00

So.. Went to the festival this morning and it was good. It turned out to be something just for the press and there were, humm.. Five or six journalists there plus the director of "Un amor de Borges" and the actor. I thought I was not prepared for such a thing but what I saw this morning made me believe I kick ass.. hehehe Well, I don't kick ass actually but I'm much better than some of them. At least the ones who were there.

The movie seems to be a good one. I'm going to watch it tomorrow night. I've already finished writing my assingment about the interview we had this morning and I'm glad I made it. I am not a stupid dump girl who is in the wrong profession. Well, maybe I am in the wrong profession but I feel I can be someone good at what I do and that really makes me happy.

Our internet system to work is offline now and I have nothing to do. Jason is not online and I'm not hungry. Actually I do need to find some interviews for the family thing I work for but I'm really not in the mood though I really need to do them. "That's your priority" - I keep listen to it all the time...

So time to make some phone calls and wait for the cutest boy to wake up =)

2002-05-08T00:48:00.000-03:00

Damn! I'm way too late and Jason has already gone. Actually all I did was to go to Ricardo and Carla's. I knew he needed to leave soon because of his Portuguese class and all I wanted the most was to have a very nice long and private conversation. So I think it worked out well. I really love this boy and day after day I wish we were together, I mean physically together, living in the same house and sharing every little thing.

Diogo and Priscilla broke up once again. I don't know how long it's going to last as they're always breaking up and getting together all the time. It seems it's for real now as Diogo was the one who ended things. But who knows. They're weird and they love each other. They do have lots of fights and embarassing situations but they really like each other and sometimes that's all that matters, right?

Rudney came home yesterday night and we watched "The Score". It's a damn slow movie. But not a bad one. We talked about having our own business. We have been thinking about getting the goverment's cultural aid to work on a magazine about the nice art things done in the city. Movies, theater plays, sculptures, paitings, music... I think it's going to be a nice thing and also more money in our pocket. Not that much but at least we are going to do something nice and profitable. Ok, not that profitable. Actually not a bit profitable but enjoyable.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to a film festival in the city. I think it's going to be nice. I'm a bit nervous as I'm going there to work and not to have fun and it's the first big event I'll be in charge. I hope everything is nice and easy =)

Time to go to bed. Cute boy I love you =)

2002-05-06T15:03:00.000-03:00

"Storytelling" is a very good movie. Need to write my issue about it but it's soo good I'm afraid I won't be able to put that in words. Writing about good things is worse than writing about shitty ones. Oh well...

I've just finished writting my assingment about "The Count of Monte Cristo". It's a nice ordinary well done movie. Nothing special but good to be watched though.

Yesterday went to the mall and bought some nice things for me. Actually I think what made me buy all of them was because I was a little bit disappointed about what happened last week. The magazine I wrote two texts for was realesed this month. And my articles weren't published. I know it was probably because of the lack of space but it kind of made me sad. Everybody knows I constantly need someone to tell me I'm not a stupid dumb girl who thinks she's something else. I'm always under pressure trying to convice myself I can be a journalist.

So as my self steem was pretty well damaged, went to the mall and bought things for me. Nice things though but spent the money I actually don't have right now. Well, I felt good at the time...

It had been a long time I didn't answer my mails. So took some time and did it yesterday. It was nice. Answered everyone who had sent me something. Also moved my computer. It's now upstairs and not in my brother's room. It's not under my brother's property now ;)

Need to work but really can't think of what writing about "Storytelling"...

2002-05-06T00:40:00.000-03:00

I was going to write but Jason is talking to me right now and I want to give him my full attention... So my next post is only for tomorrow....

2002-04-30T16:34:00.000-03:00

Cool. I've finished my assingment about "The Scorpion King". And had the approval of the new editor. Oh well, she seems to not understand a bit about movies but I'm just doing my job.

I'm getting hungry but I don't want to eat. Need to lose weight and I'm a bit funky today. I'm bleeding but I'm not in my period days. Talked to Jason about it and he thinks I should talk to my doctor.

Tomorrow is a holiday and I don't need to work. That's very nice. I'm probably going to the movies this evening. I'm going to watch "Storytelling". I think I'm going to enjoy it. But who knows.. hehehe

2002-04-30T00:08:00.000-03:00

I'm through some consumism period right now. Bought so many things of the same thing today. All jeans. All cute and nice ones. But at first look, they all seem the same. I liked them and think that's what matter. But sometimes I wonder if buying two pairs of pants, two jaquets and a dress is not too much.. Well, probably it is too much but the thing is I enjoy buying stuff and if it's cool stuff I enjoy it even more and just thinking Jason can see me in all those nice outfits makes me want to buy the whole store!!!

Had quite of a calm day though I'm tired. Didn't have much sleep on the weekend and had to wake up early this morning. I'm pretty tired now...

Dad helped me in declaring my taxes. It was easier and faster than I thought. Mom was worried about me losing it as tomorrow is the last day. Well, everybody knows how much mom loves to freak out.

Time to go to bed as soon as Jason finishes setting things up to fix my computer from his house! That's the beauty about technology. Wish they could've invented something so people could travel as they do in Star Treck ;) hehehe It would make my life so much easier...

2002-04-28T13:33:00.000-03:00

I'm working this weekend. It's kind of nice but it kind of suck too. I really hate waking up early on Sundays. Well, not everytime but usually. And it's getting cold out here. Damn! What a perfect day to be home!

Didn't do much this weekend. Went to Cinemateca with Rudney to watch "Back to Film School", the early stuff of Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Roman Polanski, Oliver Stone and Orson Welles. It was nice. We could clearly see some of their work being build back then. After we watched "The Scorpion King" and I am definitly not going to say a word aside crap.

Diogo and Priscilla called me and we met them at a bar. We had a nice time there. But when we were going home in the car, Priscilla had an attack and things were not good the way back home. She's strange sometimes.

Talked to Jason last night. We had a very pleasant and nice two-hour-conversation. It'd been a while we didn't talk about small things for a long time. Latelly all we had was hot and sexy conversations. We did have that too but we also talked about minor and daily things. And that's exactly what he told me: "That's the best of being together". Yeah, we can have sex and a friend who's always be on our side. I love you cute boy =)

2002-04-25T15:54:00.000-03:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUTE BOY!!!

Today is Jason's birthday and I'm a bit sad for not being with him sharing this special day with him. Really wish this is the only birthday we are not literally together. I know we're always attached to each other but I really wanted to be a physical part of his day... Anyway, I love him and I'm so glad we are together.

Yesterday we had a quite big argument about that stupid bitch. I know I over reacted a few times and so did he. But I found out that sometimes all I want to is a tight hug and a promise of eternal love. Logically it's totally crap as we hurt each other when arguing like we did yesterday. But actually all I wanted was him to hug me tight and kiss me and tell me he'll never abandon me and that our love will last forever. All I wanted was to be in his arms feeling him so close to me...

I still don't put up with that insignificant being but that's the way things are and getting mad at them will only make them worse. I just need to breath deep and count till ten and remember that soon enough she's going to be gone. And that Jason will never do that again. He loves me and we are going to be great together.

Now I'm feeling better and glad we didn't spend his birthday mad at each other.

I LOVE YOU CUTIE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

2002-04-24T18:01:00.000-03:00

Now it's official. I do hate that stupid woman called Qing. She's soo self centered and all she does is to destroy other people's lives and dreams. I've never wanted to warm no one. But if I could I'd kill her. I'd make her disappear forever. I even hate just hearing her name or knowing she exists.

Jason seems so cool about all this shit. And probably it's the best way of facing things. But I can't be impartial. I hate her. She's such a stupid bitch who can't deal with problems. She's good at causing them but not at solving them. She's a fucking problem wherever she goes to.

I hate her with all my heart and soul and it makes me really sad knowing Jason married her. And it's even sadder to know she's going to be in my life forever. At least in papers. And, even if I didn't give a shit for papers, she would still be there. I know they got married because Jason wanted to help her and bla bla bla. She was so egoist when she decided marrying him would solve fucking and insignificant problems!

Now Jason tells me it's almost over. And I'm really glad it is because I hate her soo damn much that if we see each other face to face I'd say soo many nasty things to her she would regret being born!!!

Actually they have never been married when it comes down of having a love relationship. They always knew it was a business. At least Jason knew that. The disgusting bitch, who is always making things worse, tried something else. What a bitch! Now she's involved with this rich old man from California. God bless them and make her disappear forever!!!

I HATE HER AS I HAVE NEVER HATE ANYONE ELSE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!

2002-04-23T16:13:00.000-03:00

What pisses me off is not being understood. And people thinking their ideas are more accurate than mine and all that shit. I know most of the times I make thing bigger than what they reall y are but I hate when discussing a subject people try to show me how stupid my thoughts are and how they can easily be turned to nothing or dust.

That’s a bit what Jason did to me. We were talking about marriage and all this shit and it all started because Eleise had written about it on her journal. Another guy has proposed her. And I just told Jason how unfair I think it was if she accepts it. Jason claimed it was ok if it was for the sake of helping someone. But, what people seem to not understand is that even trying to help someone you are screwing your life. Even if it’s just a bit.

I don’t care about Jason’s past. And I really try to not care about him being married and engaged at the same time. And it’s not a matter of other people’s beliefs. It’s a matter about my life. I give a shit if we are going to marry in a catholic church or if we are going to have a big wedding party or a honeymoon. I don’t care about it!!! What I do care is about what’s in my mind and what’s in his mind.

And I do believe in love and I do believe on a monogamic nice and pleasure relationship. And I also believe we do have other ways to help friends not just marrying them. I don’t care whether a person has already been married or not. What I do care is what marriage represents and how linked it is with love. I know Jason just got married because Qing needed a visa to be in the country. And I know he has never loved her. That’s not the issue. The issue is how easygoing he is with all this stuff.

It seems getting married is something you can do every week if you were allowed the chance of. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s because you love someone or because someone needs your help to be in the country. Fuck them! Why don’t they come back to their countries? Nahh, it’s easier to be in the States, marry an american and live happy after ever. Why hasn’t she come back to China?

I’m not a freak religious person who is only concerned about marriage. I do consider love the most important element for a couple be together followed by respect. But as soon as someone decides to get married things are taken to a different perspective. Neither a religious one nor a paper one.

I’m losing my point and honestly don’t think I was quite clear.

2002-04-22T17:28:00.000-03:00

As I don't feel like working today..

The things I really enjoy doing

1. Being with Jason
2. Watching a nice movie
3. Going to a bar with my friends
4. Having dinner with friends
5. Kissing Jason
6. Swimming
7. Eating chocolate
8. Buying clothes
9. Buying CDs
10. Hugging Jason
11. Traveling to nice places
12. John Lennon
13. Receiving gifts
14. Buying gifts when I don't need to worry about money
15. Looking at Jason's wonderful eyes
16. Sleeping in the couch with my dogs
17. Reading a nice book
18. Reading cheasy magazines
19. Watching "Scrubs"
20. Listening to Jason saying he loves me
21. Going to Carla's and Ricardo's house
22. Making funky things for my bedroom
23. Listening to The Beatles
24. Having an ice cream
25. Loving Jason and being loved by him
26. Beaches
27. Used cloathing stores
28. Funky shoes
29. Poetry
30. Jason, Jason and Jason

2002-04-22T15:21:00.000-03:00

Back to the ordinay life. Laurie left yesterday afternoon. She cried at the airport. I think she enjoyed being here with me and my family. I'm very glad about it. And I'm also glad about my parents' reaction. They were pretty nice and they like her. Even my mom, who is usually in a bad mood when this kind of things come down, was nice and easy. I think they now realized how serious we are about getting married.

I'm 24 now ;) And my birthday was pretty good. I had fun and my friends and family were there with me. I think there were about 40 people at home. There were also the people from the paper who arrived after midnight. I had a great time talking to everyone. It was really good. The only person I really missed being there was Jason. I'd rather be alone with him than at the party if I had the choice. Well, we talked on the phone twice and I actually could feel his presence there. But I really missed kissing him and hugging him on my birthday.

Now I have two assingments to finish and I can't finish them. No one seems to be free to be interviewed! I'm way too late with my articles and I'll probably not going to be able to finish them by tomorrow. I'm screwed up. Damn! And today is only Monday!

2002-04-16T21:17:00.000-03:00

Wow.. I've been having such busy days nowadays. Laurie is soo energetic. She makes me tired. Well, my period has come and I think it helps making me tired too. All we have been doing nowadays is shopping. It's been nice but she's spending soo much money buying gifts for me that I'm getting embarassed of how many gifts she has bought me. Getting gifts is nice and I enjoy it but I can't explain that. It's just too much though it's good. Well, she's enjoying it and I think if she's been doing it she has the money. I think I just worry too much.. hehehe

Now we have a bunch of friends here and Laurie is downstairs having fun. I'm glad about it because I can be here and talk to the most perfect and cute guy in the whole world. Cutie, I love you soo much and you have no idea how much I miss you and wanted YOU to be here too!

2002-04-14T23:57:00.000-03:00

That's the second day Laurie is here and we are having fun. I'm glad everything is going nice and smooth. I was actually a little bit afraid when I was sitting at the airport waiting for her to come.

Laurie is a very energetic woman. She gets lots of energy and she wakes up early. I'm going to be soo tired when she leaves ;) But it's good though. We have time to do lots of stuff. I just hope to find her nice places to visit to entertain her.

Yesterday was a weird day. My uncles passed away and Laurie arrived. She didn't see my parents the whole day since they were at the funeral. We went to some places Jason hasn't gone. It was funky. Though I think Jason wouldn't appreciate going there that much. We went to "Passeio Público" and "Bosque do Papa". Then we had some very nice sweet pies and juice.

This morning we went to the open air market downtown. We walked a lot! And Laurie bought a lot of gifts and stuff. She had probably more than 20 bags! After we had lunch at the mall and she bought some more things and I bought Jason's birthday gift. Hope he likes it.

Talking about gifts.. Laurie has already given me the gift Jason sent me. It's a very nice brown skirt. I really like it. And a very nice card. He tells me all the time the card is not good enough. I think it's very nice.

And Laurie has also brought lots of gifts for us. One of the cutest things she have me is a teddy bears couple. The bride and the husband. That is soo cute ;) She also got me some love books and clothes. And this afternoon at the mall she bought me more clothes! Oh yeah, she also gave me a ring that was from her grandmother's. That was soo trustworthy.

I'm very tired and all I want now is to be with Jason sharing the same bed and talking about our day. Love you, cutie!!!

2002-04-12T18:40:00.000-03:00

Day is almost done. Had a meeting with the new editor to talk about our work and got a bit disappointed. It seems my writting skills don't matter that much as long as I keep updating the stupid bars and clubs.

Laurie is coming tomorrow and I'm a bit aprehensive as I have never spent some time with her before. And she's coming by herself. Jason is not coming with her. I really hope things are fine. I want her to like me ;) Everybody keeps saying mother-in-laws are always a pain in the ass. Well, I don't agree. Like my dad, he loves my mom's mom. And so far I don't have any problems with Laurie. She seems to be a very nice lady and I'm sure we are going to have fun.

I'm going to the movies, as usual, with Rudney in a bit. He is actually there already. He's watching "The One". I couldn't leave here earlier so I missed it. I'm just going to watch "Sexy Beast". It starts in an hour and a half from now so I'm going to the mall to spend my time. Don't want to be in the paper for that long.

Tonight I also have a party to go. Finha is going to Australia next Saturday. I don't know if I'm going. I'll probably go though.

Talked to Jason the whole afternoon today for some minutes. He's at school so we can't talk that long. Also I want him to be focused on the teacher. That's the reason he's going to school ;) He's very lovely and cute. I love him.

2002-04-11T18:02:00.000-03:00

Need to rush to catch my ride.

I've finished my assingment about that restaurant I went a couple of days ago and it made me hungry... Talking about food... Priscilla, Diogo, Rudney and I are going to Churrascaria Curitibana for dinner tonight. It's going to be nice.

2002-04-10T13:59:00.000-03:00

I really hate working here. They treat me as I'm nothing. Right now Claudia is talking to the new editor about her new tasks. She has asked Patrícia to talk to them too as she works for Divirta-se. Damn! I'm work for the same part of the website too. And they seem they can just ignore me and everything is going to be fine.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME!!!

I hate being treated like a no one. I may be not the best but I'm good at what I do. At least, I've been improving a lot. And what do they do? They just need to be sure all the fucking time they're ignoring me. They just need to sure all the fucking time I'm out of the conversations.

I've just realized I can't work in an enviroment like this. I don't want any special treatment. All I want is to be part of the projects I've been working for.

Stupid fuckers!!! I hate being ignored by stupid assholes!!!!

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Wish I had wings so I could fly away from here and never come back!!! All I want is freedom to work and to be happy about my job!!!

2002-04-10T13:27:00.000-03:00

Just some tests I've taken ;)

What Beatles' song are you?

Funny thing is, I have never paid that much attention to this song. "Across the Universe" was way too far my favorite one.

Which Beatle girl are you?

Hehehe... John Lennon, hu? I knew it!! ;)